Sunday, December 07, 2008

River of Mud

Like only a junky can understand a junky, an alcoholic can share solice with an alcoholic, a queer can spot another fag in a room full of feelthy breeders can anyone understand the despair in this insidious depression that has wracked my trembling form for the past few days.
I have hit the rock bottom I believe. Nothing interests me. I do not go out. I do not socialise. And if I do attempt this I only stare at these garrulous beings in hateful contempt. I do not write. I do not eat. Rarely do I sleep. All things - all of them - that previously have given me some remembrance of joy, now just give me nothing.
I am completely alone in this world. All friends have severed contact from my loathsome being. After that debacle with the family a couple of months ago - I do not will not ever contact them again. I see no need. They are all strangers to me. No more important than faceless pedestrians walking down a dark street. All past has been atrophied from my emotional being. I am a husk. Or so it seems.
Even where I live - though I had previously herald it as being all that I need - is no more than an island in this poisonous river down I float. I can't stand it. Can't stand the people I live with. I recently received my passport but have no desire to use it. Oh how have I changed! Just a few months ago I had plans to use these monthly benefits to travel as I saw fit. Now, I want to do nothing. Have no goal to do so, anyway.
God!!!??? What is it you want me to do??!!! My patience is far from taxed! I am on that precipice now and am looking into darkness ready to jump...

1 comment:

Unknown said...

do you want things to change?