go with the flow

I resigned to the fact I was going solo that night and chose to haunt a disco called Freegay on Avenida Mariscal, an infamously scummy strip of concrete where all the hoochie houses and drug barons lay. Notorious and somewhat dangerous for the unwise.

Freegay was the sole disco on that broken boulevard which catered openly to the homosexual. So, I paid the ten pesos and fifty centavos at the door and ascended the soiled, red carpet up, up toward the entrance, up the flight of a grand, warped wooden staircase where chatty clientele were herded into a que to purchase a beer by sulking lesbians.

In the vast, dim interior, the shifty wait staff catered to stoic cholos, hard gangsters, thieves, drugged out transvestites, and killer bull dykes. It carried the distinctive mix of both seedy and furtive. My kind of place.

Though the hall was immense, it held a tiny disco dance floor in the middle. The room was so vast and choked by cigarette smoke, the flashing disco lights were diffused by time it reached the seating areas. The clientele who lurked in the outer darkness preferred this set up as drugs and the casual hand job were passed from table to murky table.

The joint was somewhat crowded by time I arrived and not a table empty. Young hipsters in their hip-hop gear, cholos in their khaki baggies, trannies in their dazzle-glitter, and dykes in their mullets glided about in a nonstop ballet.

I stomped over toward the restroom entrance (always a good spot to stand) and sat my bottle on a table which appeared empty, there only lay a soiled case of beer on it. I suspected it was being used by the wait staff for storage. I soon found out the area was occupied. Sitting at the adjoining table, a towering, lanky, and strikingly handsome cholo stood up and politely asked me to move my bottle off of his box so as he could get himself a beer.

“Oh, I’m sorry, man. Thought the table was storage or something.” I stated with an embarrassed smirk.

“No problem, guerito, you can place your beer there. Would you care to join my friends?” He smiled a great row of teeth from thick lips. Every time he said something to me, he would press his full lips and pencil mustache against my ear which made my heart race. I think he knew it. Pretty damn suave.

My new friend introduced me to his companions: firstly, his younger brother, Alfredo - drop dead handsome ran in their family (though in teenage cholo gangster attire, Alfredo appeared as if he would kill you on the spot. Tattoos and all). He was an exact copy of his older brother yet attained a smoother, hairless complexion of youth on a copper skinned face. There also was a tall, skinny dude in a cowboy outfit. We exchanged greetings. I jokingly kept referring to him as Texarkana. He never caught on, guess the pun was lost in translation. And lastly, I was introduced to a wretchedly, horrid transvestite with pimples and scrawny physique who sat in the dark as prim and as regal as possible. The guy who did the intros called himself Salvador and was actually quite reserved. In lieu of the thumping music, he spoke in controlled tones. We all socialized as they inquired where I was from, where I lived, how I liked Mexico. The normal routine I received when I met folks here.

“So, you live in Mexico, guerito. Maybe I can come by and visit sometime?” Salvador said.

I gazed up into his stoic expression and noticed the savage lust blazing deep in his dark eyes. “I live just two blocks away. For you, my door is always open.”

“No doubt.” He laughed, taking a swig of beer. “No doubt.”

Alfredo, my seducer’s younger brother, began flirting with a young girl who he had acquired and while making out with her, asked Salvador for some pesos to buy her a rose. Salvador waved down one of the myriad flower vendors who weaved through the throng and purchased a couple of white roses, one for her and one for me. I threw prudence out the door and Salvador received a kiss on his square jaw for that one.

“You deserve nice things.” Salvador husked into my ear.

The music switched to a crazy mambo and it was exciting to watch Alfredo and Salvador dance together at the table. And, could they mambo.

I have to learn the mambo! I thought as I watched with a lascivious gaze.

The night went smooth. Salvador continued putting the moves on me, complementing my baby blues, towering over me with his tall self, and eventually invited me to dance when reggeaton began blaring. I obliged. We hit the floor and danced so nasty. The feelings in which I held for Cesar was inherently drowned out by alcohol and the suave seduction of this macho gangster.

Fuck it, I thought, I’m going to enjoy myself. I do deserve nice things.

During my flailing with Salvador, our foreheads touched, then our noses, our lips, our tongues - I was definitely feeling it and so was he - until a fat transvestite pulled us apart and began yelling at Salvador. After an over dramatic tirade in which halted all action in our general vicinity, the chunky transvestite bitch slapped him right there on the dance floor. At that moment, she whirled toward me and smacked me across the face. My fist automatically flew up and popped her in the teeth. The bitch went flying and skidded akimbo across the small dance floor. She sprung up like a sequined jack-in-the-box and I readied myself for a full on fag smack-down rumble.

She simply held her bleeding mouth, “Oye! Oye! Porque me pegaste? Soy un mujer!” (Ow! Ow! Why did you hit me? I’m a woman!)

I pointed an accusational finger toward her and roared in psychopathic hatred, “You fucked up hippopotamus! You are a goddamn man in a fucking clown suit! A man! And, you’ll be treated like one!”

(I would like to make a side note right here and now for all those who are concerned that I am in no way, shape, or form a drama queen)

Back to the story in progress: So, Salvador lumbers over to this simpering thing - obviously his novia - and cradled the tranny in his arms, dabbing her lip with his handkerchief. He glared at me as if I just strangled his newborn child and I realized it was time to cut.

I lit a Lucky Strike and walked over to the bar, ordering another beer. With my cheek still tingling, I nuzzled into a dark corner and fumed, avoiding the side glances and stares from the parading witnesses to that debacle. I was lucky enough to be approached by Tralala clomping out of the murk.

Allow me to take a moment to describe this creature in gold lame: If you were with Marylyn Monroe next to a fountain and grabbed her by the throat and held her head under water for thirty minutes, what came up gasping for air would be that mess of a transvestite, Tralala. Poor heroin addicted Tralala. She had been a notorious and infamous staple on the party circuit for countless years.

As we began commenting on the events of which happened on the dance floor, the overhead lights snapped on and the club closed. Amid disappointed moans and cat-call whistles from drunken and excited club goers - several overly-dramatic trannies covered their melting, glistening faces from the blinding, white light - all were herded out of the disco and down the stairs by the thuggish security.

Outside on the sidewalk amid the dispersing crowd, I kept my eye out for Salvador and his group. I admit I was leery of a more mass encounter from him and his troupe. They did pass and completely ignored me. As Salvador passed entwined with his sulking he-beast, he gave me a side-glance and smirked.

Enough of this circus. Time to call it a night. As I was about to say farewell to Tralala, Cesar materialized out of the dispersing throng of stumbling drunks. He approached timidly with hands shoved into his khaki pockets, “I came looking for you. You’re out with friends?”

“Something like that.” I stated morosely, darting a glance over to the wreck next to me.

“You mind if I tag along with you and Tralala?” He smiled.

“You know her?” I asked.

“Who doesn’t?” Cesar laughed.

I was relieved to see him. The petty calamity in the club melted away as the fondness I had for Cesar seethed up into me. I glanced a moment at his pleading face. I thumbed towards a chicken restaurant across the street that was open 24 hours and offered, “Hey, you guys want to go for a cup of coffee or something to eat? I’m buying.”

“If you insist.” Cesar smiled and Tralala stated something which sounded like a belch.

Cesar and I walked across to the restaurant laughing and talking as Tralala followed us, pulling stained panties out of her ass.

The chicken restaurant was now packed with the after-hours crowd. We were lucky to get a wobbly table served by a bewildered, over-worked waitress. We ordered the house specialty: Cheap, greasy fried chicken with a side of limp fries.

“So, how was your night?” Cesar asked as he ripped into his food.

Tralala didn’t touch her plate. She sat catatonic or squawking out occasional rude comments concerning the ranchero music blasting from a jukebox against the wall.

“Uneventful. Erik and Isidro were a no show.” I answered as I glanced around at the drunk and garrulous diners.

“Well, maybe I can make up for that?” He smiled that smile.

“What did you have in mind?”

Cesar looked down at his crotch under the table, then smugly back up at me. “Let’s go to your place and I’ll show you.”

Cesar and I finished our meals and left Tralala tottering on the broken corner in front of the restaurant as the sidewalk rushed beneath our feet.

Keys jingled, my apartment door was kicked open. Clothes were flung off. Fingers slid over smooth skin, both pale white and Mexican brown. Tongues licked and sucked, teeth bit. Cesar pushed me up against my bureau and, spitting into his palm, lubed up his penis. With quick, hard thrusts he lunged into me, uttering dirty comments in Spanish that drove me over the edge.

Cesar flung me down onto the couch, threw my feet up over his shoulders and pile-drived himself into me, until, with hot spurts, he shot his semen across my stomach and chest. We kissed and then showered.

“So, what are you going to do now?” I asked as he toweled me off.

“It’s late. I’m going home. I have to work early tomorrow.”

I debated offering him money, then thought against it. “You know, Cesar, you can always come over. Anytime. I miss seeing you as often as before.”

“I will. I promise.”

Cesar got dressed, at the door smiled thank you, and hailed a taxi home. I played Go with the Flow by Queens of the Stone Age on the stereo and smoked a joint before I fell into a contented asleep.

the literature of the poor

Darting over toward the mensroom, I quickly passed through the door. Immediately, my senses were assaulted from the myriad aromas of putrefied shit, urine, dirty clothes, and cigarette smoke. Hip blacks stood in front of the clogged sinks, teasing and combing hair, chatting garrulously with acquaintances. They abruptly halted their conversation momentarily as I entered and nonchalantly resumed their dialog after glancing me over in dubious suspicion. Several hobos lay catatonic on the dirty, tiled floor against the far wall. Long streams of urine and spilled liquor from concealed bottles trickled from soiled, dingy pants to a clogged grate in the middle of the room. Two elderly, white men in plaid fedoras stood against the wall and smoked rolled cigarettes. The tell-tale whiff of marijuana mingled in with the tobacco.

I entered an unoccupied stall. The stall had no door. A large yellow turd floated in the urine choked water of the toilet. I took a piss. The walls were covered in graffiti. Ronda fucks like a pimp. I like to suck cholo’s verga 567-8457 call anytime. Nigga’s got the biggest dicks. Fuck the police. If your reading this, your doomed.

The literature of the poor.

semen and blood

Johnny rolled over in the musty, sagging bed and attempted to piece together the night before. The cramped, dank room he was in was windowless – walls painted a ghastly pink, covered in graffiti with the lingering, vaginal stench of a million Mexican hookers.

He lay naked on an old, spotted mattress, itself reeking of mildew and various indescribable aromas. The bathroom was down the hall. Johnny rose slowly and staggered toward the chipped, porcelain sink next to the bed and took a piss, rinsing the basin with water from the tap. He then splashed water onto his greasy face.

Gravity took over which caused him to slump uncontrollably back onto the bed. He lay there dizzy and aching - head pounded as he stared at the naked lightbulb dangling from a wire protruding out of a hole cut in the plaster of the ceiling. Directly above his face, there was a dark, orange spot in the plaster.

That’s rat piss, he thought, not water damage. Rats always piss in the same spot. Humans don’t - unsanitary fucks...

Johnny’s mind throbbed with the kaleidoscope of a million images from the previous evening: He was naked, on his knees in a submissive crouch; hands on his knees. Towering above him stood a 40 year-old Hispanic ex-con who recently been released from the border patrol after being detained for two days in the States. Or so he claimed.

Johnny met him in the Plaza. Said he could get a good score on coke. His torso was a mass of tattoos and scars. The ex-con was of medium height and beefy/muscular. After hours of doing dope, through fucked up eyelids, Johnny saw the ex-con standing above him, naked...no not quite...his khaki pants were dropped at his ankles and the stained wife-beater was pulled up over his thick neck. A gold necklace of the Virgin of Guadalupe was the only color across the wall of brown chest. With a muscular left hand, the brutish ex-con held Johnny painfully by the hair and with his right hand, he rapidly masturbated himself.

Johnny’s eyes were not focused on the thick, brown penis, he was more entranced on watching the huge testicles bounce briskly as the brute jerked off. Johnny glanced up at the bulldog face. The grimace. The thick moustache. The slicked-back, black hair.

“Don’t you fucking look at me!” He snarled and whack! Slapped Johnny across the face with an open palm.

Johnny nearly fell over, but the ex-con roughly grabbed him by the hair. Johnny could feel a trickle of blood ooze from his nostril, down across the lips. The ex-con tightened the grip on Johnny hair. Johnny winced. It hurt.

The ex-con rose onto the tips of his toes and grunted similar to some kind of beast. Johnny could feel the hot licks of the man’s semen as it splashed across his face. The ex-con then jabbed his thick, short penis into Johnny’s mouth and rammed it in deep, pushing down the back of Johnny’s head. Johnny gagged - he couldn’t breathe. Tears swelled in his eyes. He felt as if he was going to throw up.

“Take it, you fucking faggot!” The ex-con growled through gold-capped teeth. “Clean that dick!”

He roughly shoved Johnny down onto the cold, dusty, concrete floor. The brute wiped his penis with a ragged towel and tossed it onto Johnny’s semen and blood splattered face.

Dressing, the ex-con grumbled as he walked out with his back to Johnny, “You’re shit’s on the table, joto!”

Slam! The ex-con was gone and Johnny was alone. He could taste semen and blood on his lips. He looked up through a haze to see the junk and pesos the asshole had left on the nightstand.

Man, the things I do for this shit.

spread out in all its glory

Heat and dust punched me in my face. Dodging groping hookers and grasping hands of dirty children, Cesar and I siphoned into a booth at a small café in Zona Norte. Zona Norte was a barrio consisting of row after row of crumbling, adobe buildings and sordid, ramshackled shacks resembling chicken houses. A dingy neighborhood located immediately south of the great iron wall which separated the haves from the have-nots.

We silently sipped ghastly instant Nescafé as my eye caught a young Mexican queer who wore a red and white striped polo shirt and tight blue jeans. He sat on a metal stool and was glancing at me from the counter running the length of the small café.

The fag smiled. Handsome until he smiled – the mouth was a forest of rotted, black and yellow teeth. I then recognized him. He worked the ancient, ex-pat vampires who roosted at the café tables all day in The Plaza, surrounding themselves with young boys in a vain attempt to impress the other ex-pats on how desirable they still were. Those types of hustlers were the purest of thieves. They patiently sat and waited and nodded and laughed until the time was right to squeeze every peso they could from those quivering pedophiles.

After the waitress slammed two plates of eggs and chorizo onto the greasy, formica table, I turned casually and stared out the window – dead, black flies lined the sill. There was a commotion outside across the one-way street. Two hoggish police cornered a young gangster - the scrawny thug faltered and began to fight back. The crowd gathered. A paramilitary truck roared up. The soldiers jumped out of the back of the vehicle, swarmed the thug and with clubs and boots and rifle butts, beat him to a pulp. They dragged his unconscious, blood-splattered torso to a paddy wagon and flung him in. Hookers and Amazonian transvestites scowled at the soldiers, muttering to themselves.

Cesar and I returned to our cold, tasteless breakfast.

I lit a cigarette and blew smoke up toward the high ceiling of the café - painted mint and dangling with grimy, dust bunnies. Outside lay the panorama of Tijuana, Mexico spread out in all its glory. A kaleidoscope of criss-crossing electrical wires laced the smoggy skyline of squat, dirty buildings. Honking, choking autos sluggishly roll over shimmering, pot-holed concrete, filthy prostitutes of both sexes parade and lean and stare catatonic under the bleak sun as terrified and belligerent tourists paw over their diseased wares with lascivious finality all to the beat of high decimal cha-cha mambo.

A ragged, elderly man - salt and pepper hair, silver, scruffy beard – sat in his own waste under a rusted, neon sign, stirring the putrid puddle of fetid substance on the sidewalk with a stick. Filthy children played and frolicked - laughing, dashing around obese tias and between the legs of hip-hop pushers vending insidious medicinals.

This life is too much, I thought.

I paid for the meal and we left. Cesar and I shook hands on the corner and parted. Never to see one another again.

blew the shot

RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES. It was the shot heard round the countercultural world; the literal Big Bang of the Beats. In 1951, during a party one night in Mexico City, writer William S. Burroughs drunkenly convinced his wife Joan Vollmer into standing against a wall with a shot glass on her head while he fired a gun at her. BLEW THE SHOT weaves up to this appalling incident, drifting back and forth in time, examining the reasons and keystones behind Burroughs’ murder of Vollmer. The motivations and events, examined and tossed about like a Rorschach test, creates a story that’s part biography, part horror tale, and part touchingly emotional psycho-drama. The author Luis Blasini leaves lusciously ambiguous whether the shooting itself was murder, drug-fueled madness, or one of those great historical incidents transcending its reality to become an allegory for art and destruction. BLEW THE SHOT slides artfully along the razor’s edge suggesting the principal character might be either a genius or merely a depraved madman. There’s the sense of a man who’s tormented by the demons of his lusts and appetites, and is often helpless before them, as revealed within dramatically fact based innuendos that will leave the reader desiring for more.

At long last my novel is complete! It just went hot on amazon.com if anyone is interested in ordering a copy. I quite enjoy the outcome of it and I hope you will too. As a matter of fact, I think you will.

Johnny smiled

Johnny and the tourist stumbled out into the bustling streets of a Tijuana Saturday night, rushing over crumbling, trash littered pavement smelling of shit and urine. Shabby, sad taco stands sweltered with the wafting stench of burnt meats and fermented salsas and wilted vegetables. Mangy dogs and small infants played in the black grease pools between the stalls.

Throngs of pedestrians clogged the way as Johnny and the tourist weaved through knots of swaggering hip-hop boys. Their arms draped around waists of their brown, thick-hipped sweethearts with the sad, mascara-painted, brown eyes drooped up to Guadalupe. Street vendors with leprosy and missing limbs called out selling leather belts, key chains, lottery tickets, condoms - as tank like para-military vehicles rumbled down the street sluggishly, slowly past ancient, creaking buses farting black smoke into the muggy night.

Johnny led the wobbling tourist down a dimly-lit side street packed with prostitutes of both sexes who wearily leaned against broken, red-brick and grimy, white-washed facades. Roaming addicts - shifty eyed and alert - hurtled down the way, stopping only to snatch small bags of dope from hidden nooks and crannies in crumbling walls. Groups of catatonic American tourists stumbled with bloated guts and shirts spotted with beer and puke – all under the wary eye of hateful police patrols. A cacophony of car horns and screeches mixed with the smells of seared meat, steaming hotdogs, and festering garbage vomiting up into a crisp, neon splashed night.

Passing a row of tired, fat hookers flashing silver-capped teeth and unappetizing, staunch bodies, Johnny and the tourist arrived at the sordid entrance of a cheap, ten-dollar a night hotel which was reached by climbing a set of worn, wooden stairs. White paint flaked off the Spanish-style, two story structure. Hotel Independencia glowed from a dusty, plastic marquee sagging over the cracked sidewalk.

At the foot of the stairs, the tourist took out his wallet to pay a haggish, ancient woman behind a metal grate. Johnny got a glimpse of the contents of the wallet – it bulged with twenty-dollar bills. The old woman gave the tourist a key attached to a huge, plastic pad.

“Checkout is eleven o’clock, manana.” The receptionist wheezed in broken English.

The tourist paid the fat mamacita behind the black bars and the two dashed up warped, wooden stairs to a room which bore an overpowering stench of mildew.

Johnny flicked on the light and a legion of roaches scattered across the dusty, red-tiled floor. In a corner, sagged a dresser with missing drawers and across from the bed, a rickety, metal folding chair. The walls were a multicolored hue of scrawled graffiti of both black marker and spray paint. A tired, slutty mattress dominated the room supported by a bent, black-metal frame which was draped in a thin, pink blanket - bedbugs and all.

“Hold up, cutie - I gotta pee.” The tourist slurred and entered the grimy, white-tiled bathroom. Johnny heard him take a long, loud piss.

Johnny sat silently on the chair and looked around the squalid space. He overheard the muffled moaning of a whore earning her rent in the next room. From the street emanated the dull pounding of a hundred jukeboxes.

The tourist came out of the bathroom and sat on the bed, which creaked in protest under the weight.

In one lithe movement, Johnny stood up and slid down his jeans and white and blue striped briefs. His long, uncircumcised penis swung free. He sat back in the chair.

“You like this?” Johnny asked coyly as he stroked his stiffening organ.

The old tourist blubbered, “Oh yeah, baby - you got a nice dick.”

Johnny smirked, with a hint of detestation, “What’s so nice about it?”

The tourist fumbled uncomfortably, he didn’t expect that remark. He sat there and stared at the nine inches of erection being swayed in his direction - the smooth shaft, the glistening mushroom tip. Johnny seductively worked the foreskin back and forth over the head, devishly looking up at the tourist who wheezed in mounting excitement.

“I’m so hot, papi.” Johnny sighed. “Why don’t you come over here and do something about it?”

The tourist gawked at the undulating erection - hypnotized by it as Johnny smoothly swung it back and forth. Like a fat kid in a candy store, the tourist dropped to his knees in front of Johnny and gobbled his erection. Loud sucking noises echoed in the spartan room as the tourist slobbered and slurped up and down Johnny’s cock. Though Johnny had his legs spread wide open, he could still feel the tourist’s obscene stomach rubbing against both his inner calves.

God, please hurry up and cum, Johnny thought, I need to get the fuck away from this gross-ass gringo.

Johnny reluctantly held the back of the tourist’s greasy head as in a matter of short, merciful minutes, felt the surge of an orgasm and squirted his semen into the tourist’s mouth. The fat, old man leaned over and spat the matter - a mix of bubbly sperm, saliva, and blood - onto the scuffed floor.

Gasping, the tourist looked glaze-eyed up to Johnny and breathed, “Oh, baby - that was good.”

“It was hot, papi.” Johnny stated mechanically, pulling up and fastening his pants.

With much effort and a series of dramatic grunts, the tourist rose to his feet. He sighed and exhaled an embarrassed chuckle.

Johnny stood also, and blurted, “Hey, you think you can help me with twenty dollars? I need to pay my electric bill and I am low on money this week.”

“Don’t you work?” The tourist asked, snidely.

“Yes. But, you know, this is Mexico and they don’t pay much and I just paid rent.” Johnny stated as a matter of fact.

The tourist grimaced as he reached and pulled out his wallet, placing a twenty dollar bill in Johnny’s thin hand.

The tourist saw the young man in a new light - the lines around the mouth, the dark circles under the eyes, the black grime under the uneven, chewed fingernails.

“Can I have ten more? I have no food.” Johnny smiled that smile.

The tourist dramatically sighed. Bitchily acting irritated, he faltered at putting his wallet away. Johnny noticed the glint of fear and distrust, the uncertainty of being in a foreign locale in the sobering eyes of the tourist. Johnny actually hoped the fat motherfucker would be knifed by some demented junky on his way out.

Johnny glared with just the right amount of sexiness and intimidation, “Please?”

“Oh, all right. But, that’s it! I have to get back to the States tomorrow and I can’t spare anymore.” The tourist frowned, placed a ten dollar bill in the young man’s hand and then quickly slipped the wallet into his back pocket.

Johnny made for the door, stopped, “You sleeping here tonight?” He pointed abstractly around the squalid room. “It’s a very dangerous area. A lot of muggings.”

Fear now flamed in the darting eyes of the tourist, “No. No, I have a room somewhere else. I’m going there now.”

“Orale. I’ll walk you out.” Johnny yanked on the thin door which wobbled a bit from sticking in the frame.

Once downstairs, they separated at the corner with a handshake. The tourist quickly strode toward the safety of the nearest waiting taxi as Johnny returned to the shadows of the corner. Several thugs stood in a knot under a leaflet plastered, iron street lamp which emitted no light.

A squat, frog-faced Mexican stood in white athletic gear and croaked as Johnny approached, “Que pasa, Juanito?”

They swapped a street-wise handshake.

Johnny’s gaze swept up and down the sidewalk, “Not much, man. Gimme a paper.”

From a sagging fannypack, the frog-faced Mexican slapped into Johnny’s palm a tiny, cellophane envelope folded into a small square as Johnny passed a wadded, ten dollar bill into the pusher’s chubby fingers.

With that, Johnny returned to the still congested Patio Bar and made a direct line to the bathroom. In a grimy, white-tiled stall, he cut three lines of methamphetamine out onto the flat, steel-top of the filthiest toilet paper dispenser in the world and with a rolled peso note, he loudly sniffled the lines up. Johnny leaned back, snorted the residue into the back of his throat and casually glanced over into the next stall and wish he hadn’t. A chunky hooker in a frayed, blue dress squatted down and was blowing some prehistoric fucker in a grey-felt Stetson. However, that didn’t offend Johnny - it was the festering toilet next to them which overflowed in thick, muddy feces. Lines of dark brown cascaded over the rim like a boiling pot of beans. The smell of putrid shit punched him in the face. Feeling the effects of the meth, he returned to the bar and stood next to an ancient and tall American tourist who leaned casually against the counter. Johnny ordered a beer for himself.

Johnny took a quick swig and smiled at the old relic, “Hola!”

The old man raised his bottle, clinking it with Johnny’s. “Hello, there. What’s your name?”

“My name’s Johnny. Ask anyone. They’ll tell you.” Johnny smiled.

outside is cold but the inside is colder

Days are long and nights are longer and darker. Suffering from insomnia - up until 5am and sleeping less. Eerie sense of gloom pervades every thought - my goddamn head hurts and I don’t know why. For the past few days lay in bed drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes and flipping through nothing on the TV with the sweat from the heat of day and humidity of night soaking my comforter. Gunshots in the distance mingled with barking dogs and the ceiling fan whirls to little effect.

Feeling used and unwanted and generally all around down. My roving eye pointing towards Puerto Rico. No one knows me there. Won’t be a trophy for some naco only to be discarded once the novelty wears off.

Everything is meaningless - food untouchable, beer unenduring, sex not doing it for me. Sit hours at my desk and stare into that fathomless abyss content to be left alone and live within the few cubits between my ears. I feel so bland - so numb - so uncaring for all the Fallen Angels of the World and for the world in general, generally speaking. The outside is cold but the inside is colder.

another sleepless night

I stood in the alley for about forty-five minutes - smell of sewage and feces and urine - me and nine others waiting for the pack-man to show up with all the goodies, the whole time reminding myself how stupid I was standing there waiting - waiting because the man is never on time. The dope isn’t even worth waiting for, unfortunately this only happens to be the best garbage around.

Yet, here I am. Me and nine other shriveled, quivering wrecks loitering in the alley of a known drug spot in a shitty cartel neighborhood waiting to cop dope wishing this little motherfucker would hurry the fuck up. It is cold, the spot is hot, and I am not feeling well even though I did wake up. I don’t know - things are not the same - it becomes harder and harder to cop. The dope all over is garbage. When you do get lucky and find a decent spot some idiot junky comes along and tells them how good their dope is and they begin cutting it more than it already is. I don’t want to stop getting high, I love it too much. I simply hate the process of getting high. Traveling forty-five minutes on a bus, standing around waiting, and trying to get out of there as soon as possible.

Coming undone at the lines of stitching… back for more… the insignia transforms into burgundy… I stomach your latest barrier, this one divides my mind… the beauty of it all, the splendor of unpaid amphetamines… junkie he… this slit in my neckline, how did it happen? My imprint is on the raw terminal paper, it hemorrhages onto the floorboards… My heart is drenched… thought we both needed a companion to scurry to…

Have you ever longed to lead a transient life? Kerouac-esque like - hitching rides, immersing yourself in the scenes and sights of a new town completely and totally only to wake the next day and start anew. A different trip each day and a different kick every night. Here is the problem that lies within: where would one be able to hang ones hat? Where would home be? Would it be possible to, at some point, transition back to everyday life?

Perhaps a Drugstore Cowboy sort of approach would be an alternative. Get a crew of close friends together to do what you need to survive. That may also rectify the home problem. If you were with those who made you feel comfortable.

Perhaps I’m simply dreaming of an escape from the mundane today.

Ahhh yes, I’ve missed the sweet lolling of miss poppies special tea. She had come to visit me today just in time, too. The Trivial becoming much too worrisome. A shitty situation but it seems I must deal with the criticisms and lack of trust to attain my goal in all of this. I don’t actually know what that goal is just yet but, I’ll simply keep telling myself that I’m working vigilantly toward it. Maybe I am, maybe not. Time will tell.

It’s off to another sleepless night for me…

3:17

Saul relaxed naked beside me in rumpled sheets. Cigarette smoke swirled up to a stained white-washed ceiling as lights from passing cars created moving patterns of phantoms. Phantoms who laughed at us.

2:30am and you asked me why I’m so paranoid all the time. And I looked at you and you reminded me of an Indian headdress. You’re not scared, sweetheart. Your fears ride the wind but the feathers stay.

2:32am and you commanded I write about you. There was India ink on the nightstand and a safety pin on your pillowcase and I spent the next eight minutes marking you with the proximate vocabulary of how I wanted you.

2:40am and you couldn’t sleep. We’d spent the last three hours crushing the sleeping pills into ash and blew it into soda bottles of apple-flavored cola but you said it still tasted of resigned escapism.

2:41am and time was a bag of bones which dragged itself over cracked asphalt. It took too long even though we’re not waiting for anything - but we’re the liars in room 318 because you’re waiting for the forest and I’m waiting for you to get out of it.

3:00am and I’m reading. You gently grabbed my hands and nonchalantly traced the folds in my fingers where the rhymes hide. I’d been trying to put it on hold, telling you I’d lost them.

3:17 and it’s just another night threatening to tear at the seams to reveal a morning I can’t will into life being easier for you.

Neither of us had much luck with relationships. He a hooligan of the street mired in crime, drugs and prostitution to scratch out a meager existence. Seven long years I’d spent in an on-again, off-again with the same shitbag, the same abusive scum. I would kill simply to be “on” with anyone at all. Two lonely losers lost in a night of unrelenting sadness and paranoia. At least for now, we had each other…

we are all lonely inside

He walked down the motel hallway and the lights above him flickered as he passed. His lanky, black hair kind of bounced with each step – it was bobbed short and parted down the middle, he attained the aura of a runway supermodel - but this young man was a whore. The torn, faded jeans screamed it, the cheap, wrinkled t-shirt commanded it, the dried cum in his hair bragged about it. He wouldn’t hesitate, he’d fuck you and leave and he could do it all without talking, so he’s popular. The shadows in the hall mixed with the shadows around his eyes and when he stopped in front of me all I could see was white. He looked in and I looked out and we met somewhere in the middle. I let him into my room and the hallway went dark, the lights in my room sparked out. He stopped a few feet in and turned around, red eyes glowing in the black, he curled a finger at me and I slowly closed the door behind me.

(When everything is dead it gets quiet. Quiet enough to hear muscles move or blood rush. Quiet enough to hear penetration at its deepest point where flesh touches flesh and you could hear the body send off electricity full of excitement. And if you’re fucking a beast you could hear him purr beneath you, bent in front of you, vulnerable for you in the utter black that is around you. A beast from fire will lay for you with smoke and char as you succumb to the demon who wants your cum.)

After all, we are all lonely inside.

depressing walls

Ambivalent transvestite hookers drift under yellow street lamps, eyes luminescent with methamphetamine, they lean against outcroppings of crumbling red brick walls, talk in silent, catatonic gestures, frescoes of elusive depravity, flat two dimensional howls drift into the night: “Orale!…Joselito! Omar! Donde esta?”

Stagnant patter of commerce: “See the show! Naked lady!”

“Nice girl, meester?”

A hideous soiled mouth blew smoke rings into the night, “Wanna fuck me, meester?”

Saul and I jet into the bar Kin-kle, a tacky queer joint with a mangy, over stuffed bullhead above red-metal double swinging doors where guys would show you their erections for a beer.

In the dark alcove booths, drunk and horny, Saul and I made out under the vigilant eye of a waiter with a hard on. Patrons passed us with indifference as I masturbated Saul to an unscrupulous climax under the red covered table, his lanky body entwined with mine.

“The fundamentals of it all, it ain’t right.” Sniffs the envious old expat sitting alone and indignant at the bar. He ejects his resentment like a thick fog.

“Why dontcha mind your own business for once?” I slur, wiping the glistening residue of Saul’s discharge off my thumb with the red table cloth.

Later that evening, Saul and I committed crimes against nature in Hotel Coliseo. Finding myself lying on my stomach with Saul on top thrusting into me, boy did I get the better end of the deal - slapslapslap - lean arms wrapped around my torso and neck. My back is bitten passionately. My face pressed against the dingy pillow. I feel Saul’s hot breath against my left ear as he gets closer to his climax. Closed my eyes and with clenched teeth, felt hot semen squirt up into me. Afterwards we shared a joint, our shoulders touching under the covers as ominous shadows slowly crawled across stark, depressing walls.

Saul mumbled, “I gotta go, guero.”

I watched as he wordlessly covered his smooth brown frame with well-worn clothes. I dressed, listening to the whore earning her rent down the hall.

Down at the corner, Saul hits me up for 100 pesos. I slap the note into his hand and both of us saying laters, Saul went to do whatever Saul had to do.

camera so nasty

I entered a smelly, dark den with pink coral tiled walls. A short, chunky female in a black thong whirled and jiggled her wares in all the wrong places on a tiny stage of glittered stucco. Bar had only two others, junky cholo in white tank top and baggy khaki pants who sat on the nod like a fool on a stool against the pink wall and a flabby, sweaty American who eyed me fingering his camera so nasty.

I was about to take my business elsewhere when a tall, handsome Mexican with distinctive Aztec features and pencil moustache donning a blue mechanic’s tunic walked in and made a bee line for the men’s room. Quickly downed my beer, it was on like Donkey Kong: I am in the pissoir languidly jacking off with the guy in the mechanics uniform as the obligatory old fart with the camera looked on. The hottie had the most exquisite penis I had seen in many a moon. One hand on my soldier; the other traced black hair on toned pecs. Me and the hottie cum in spurts onto lemons and ice and left the quivering codger standing there wondering where his youth had gone.

The mechanic - Miguel he says - and I drank a couple more bottles and I asked if he cared to go back to my room for an afternoon of filthy, rotten sin. No, it’s back with the wifie and kids, he claimed. Shake hands and part. Old queen leered at me from furtive shadows. Frustrated fruit. Short cholo with shaved head and wife beater is hip to the fact and smiled with silver capped tooth, hard on a-pulsing in dirty khakis. I exit - leaving the cholo to the whims of that withered vampire.

junk-sick afternoon

Broken images exploded softly in my head...I was living in my parents’ house and couldn’t leave my room on account of vicious black guard dog roaming the halls - argue with my father - long tableau of quarrels which has lasted a lifetime. I realized what I had come to accept all along: I loathe and hate the old monster. Pure, white hate.

…time slowed like an unreliable internet connection…

…outside, red brick slum in summer sunlight as clear as glycerin…

…twitching and shivering in dirty underwear, grasping a charred meth pipe in the junk-sick afternoon…

…a lonely rooster caws in the distant adobe slums under a forest of satellite dishes…

Jolt up - flesh dead, indeterminate, bitter - jet to corner taco shop for a couple of carne asadas.

Waitress noticed my funk: “Don’t worry about the past or the future, guero. Live for the moment, live for the now. Life is good!”

I took a walk down the strip and ignore the barkers, pass the casino under the watchful eye of The Man and into the Plaza for a coffee and a smoke. Fags circulate outside in droves as I sat and think and think hard. Radio plays thirty minute government sponsored program in Spanish about catching crab lice. The cantina across from me thumps where deceitful rentboys put the make on you in favor of The House and there is no health in them clap boys rotten to the core.

A handsome vaquero in a yellow Stetson, black shirt, black jeans, and cowboy boots stood on the corner with a guitar, singing a woeful ballad no one cares to hear… 

cry for sustenance

When I awoke, it was already nighttime. The image of a familiar man from my dreams fading from muddled memory. I rubbed my eyes and reached for my cigarettes on the bedside table. Counting the hours in my mind, a raspy groan escaped from my dry throat. I didn’t even realize it was possible for a person to sleep that long. I pulled my aching body out from the musty couch and felt heavy summer air already weighing me down despite the late hour. Using my two fingers, I parted my dusty plastic blinds and peeped down at the city from my apartment window. The city was sleeping soundly and I welcomed the quiet, only to have it broken by a vicious rumble in my stomach.

I stumbled over toward the clanking fridge, hoping somehow food magically manifested itself within. Every night I open the open the fridge door with high expectations, and every night I am disappointed. It had been months since I last seen the inside of a grocery store. My stomach issued another desperate cry for sustenance. The store was likely long-closed by now and the change in my pocket consisted of a few pesos and lint. It seemed, once again, I would be paying a visit to my old pal Chuey. I snatched my keys off the counter and gave my clothes a quick check for stains before heading out the door.

Chuey was an archaic diner just down the road from my apartment that specialized in stale food and coffee-flavored water, all at a price barely fitting within my budget. Most importantly, it was open 24 hours. Meaning it was the only place within walking distance that would accommodate my sleep schedule. The familiar green glow of the neon sign stained the empty trash strewn street with its nauseous color. Its loud buzz pierced through my skull and I winced at the pain. Despite its dilapidated charms, the place was beginning to feel like an old friend.

The rusted bell chimed as I opened the dusty, glass-pane door. The haggish and plump waitress behind the counter raised her head from her palm expectantly, but as she recognized my face her brow furrowed and her body returned to its lifeless posture. I found my usual seat next to the streaked window. I sat there in silence for a few moments before forcing out a fake cough to alert the waitress I was ready. She rolled her eyes, and reached for the coffee pot that had been sitting there for god knows how long and wobbled her way over to my table. She splashed hot coffee into my chipped off-white cup before looking down at me with her head cocked to one side.

“And a cherry pie, please,” I curled my lips up at her while her stone-like expression remained unchanged.

Taking a sip from my coffee, which had remarkably even less flavor than usual, I watched as the waitress disappeared into the dank kitchen to grab a piece of pie from the fridge. I wondered if she was alone here. Out of all the times I’d frequented, I’d never seen a single other person working. It was always solely her. I realized then I didn’t even know her name. Though, judging by her expression, she definitely didn’t care to know mine. She returned from the kitchen and slammed the pie onto the table before returning to her spot at the counter.

The pie was still cold, but I ate it anyway. I took my time, watching out the window as I ate. I could still hear the buzzing sound of the sign even from inside. An orange glow was beginning to creep its way up the street, overtaking the sickening green. I wondered if it was dawn already. I looked down at my watch and realized that there was still at least an hour left until sunrise. The glow flickered and I felt my heart seize up. No, it couldn’t be happening again. I leapt to my feet, and was about to make a break for the door, when I saw him.

A young man walked calmly down the road, his well-worn and shabby clothes hung limply off a tall and lanky torso. Straight black hair was combed back over an asymmetrical head with Aztec hawk-like features. His black shoes were scruffed and the laces frayed. There was pain on his face. I looked back to the bloated waitress at the counter who had since fallen asleep, completely unaware of the situation. I could feel my body growing hotter as my lungs screamed for air. The young man was now outside the window, I could feel his eyes turning towards me. I attempted not want to look, but some unseen force was pulling me towards him.

Our eyes met, separated only by a pane of glass. His calm expression slowly began to contort and I clenched my jaw. His forehead tensed, his mouth opened, and his jaw quivered. I could see that he was screaming, but not a single sound escaped his mouth. Tears streamed down my face and it felt as though my teeth might break. His face continued to change, showing such a terrifying pain. I pounded my fists on the glass. I had to save him.

I heard a voice yell out to me and I turned to see that the tired waitress with her eyes narrowing at me. I did not respond, but as I looked back to the window I found no-one there. The street had returned to its uneasy shade of green and there was no sign of the man. I ran for the door when the waitress yelled out, reminding me I needed to pay. I reached into my pocket to grab a handful of change. As I set the change down on the table, I noticed something else in my hand: a crumpled old photograph. I grabbed it and as I headed out the door, I heard the waitress mutter under her breath in Spanish.

“Every goddamn night.”

The street was as empty as empty as always, with no sign of that young man. I looked down at the photograph in my hand, the edges of it were slightly charred. I carefully unfolded in. It was me and the man, we were both smiling and I had my arms wrapped tightly around him. We stood in front of a gloriously golden sunset over crashing waves of a beach. I couldn’t remember the last time I looked or felt so happy. I ran my fingers down the creases in his face. It had been a very long time.