Saturday, September 01, 2018

tucson city blues

I wish meeting guys in real life was as easy as it is for heterosexuals. I want to go into a coffee shop and write my number on a napkin without it being weird. I want to bump into someone on the street by accident and it be love at first sight. This internet culture gives me the green light when it comes to sexuality. Profiles tell me which males are gay. I wish I had the courage to effortlessly flirt. I wish I could go into a normal public space and pick up a guy. I have to travel a distance to a gay bar just to find someone similar to me while my friends get to go almost anywhere. I’m sick of staring at a phone when I just want to connect with another human being in the flesh.
Then again, perhaps I am feeling my age. Five months here in the states and, don’t get me wrong, I am living the exact opposite as far as standards of living goes, but the loneliness is unbearable. The solitude. I simply cannot connect with anyone of this culture. Though half of me wants to shut down all this wayward wandering in exotic locals down and retire, the other half screams fuck it go! go! go!
I have become to feel so alien here in this uber modern high rise I dwell in. I keep myself busy writing or playing video games or producing moronic posts on the internet, or plotting what next piece of swanky modern furniture I will purchase next. And yet, I feel so empty…so void. Is this what getting old is all about? The devistating finality of sitting alone in a souless apartment and living and reliving past experiences? This blog, after over a decade of spilling my guts, has lost its luster. Everything is at a standstill. And frankly, it scares the shit out of me.