Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Hiding Behind a Pillar of Fire.

Thought I'd give that nuisance Fernie a second - no, make that third chance to go right with me. He invited me across the border down ol' Mexico way on account he wanted contact lenses and see the sights. After spending most of the morning gagging off of the stench in the Opportunity Center - a flop house that is even worse than the El Paso Rescue Mission...filthy unwashed bums lay in their own feces and vomit on the dirt covered tiled floor as the beat staff looks on in uncaring apathy - after Fernie attended his business with MHMR me and that bad seed hightailed it across the border for some unclean fun. Crossing the International Bridge passing hawkers taxi drivers on the hustle and pobres with their hands clutching out forever we strolled down Avenida Juarez under that bright blue Mexican sky.
We ate tacos carne asadas at Taco Lucas - a favorite of mine - and then the clown started in. Fernie began disrespecting me in front of my friends, namely Chuey; the cook I have known to work at the restaurant for eight years.
Eating quickly - and Fernie downing six beers to my two - I ushered him out to the hot bustling streets and thought I'd show him Bar Buen Tiempo - an old hang out of mine. Not two minutes in the door, queer decided to start bitching and complaining about the citizens. There was this tall thin handsome guy there staring at us and as Fernie was at the jukebox trying to find something to play - I invited the guy over to share drinks with us. His name was Alex and a real nice fella, too. We began talking and joking, enjoying each others company.
Fernie blatantly began asking if he could score for some soda (coke.) in which Alex nervously said he could probably attain some. Earlier, Fernie ping ponged back and forth about going to Banos Roma - Juarez's bath house. Now, since Alex mumbled that he could probably get coke there - Fernie whined for us to go to Banos Roma.
Not even finishing our beers - we headed out and over to the baths. Myself and Alex were prepared to have a hoot - but again all Fernie did was complain. Undressing and going into the steam room, Alex, I and a hotter than hell guy had an innerestin threesome. Alex was hung like a fucking donkey and our new friend was all muscle and ass! Outside, Fernie sulked and bitterly stated that the place was a dump - it being his first time there. I just ignored that dope and did my thing - and that was being a complete whore. It was good kicks.
Later, I met Alex in the hall and he shyly stated that he was leaving because Fernie kept badgering him to get coke and I don't blame the kid - Fernie just deteriorated into an asshole. Again. This being the third friend Fernie has alienated from me since my return to El Paso.
I said my regretful goodbyes to Alex and continued to play around with the indigenous locals - meanwhile Fernie was downing beer after beer and became a complete mess. So, unable to take his shit anymore - we left.
I strode through the streets in fear of running into a patrol as Fernie stumbled drunk off of his ass behind me. At the frontier, INS gave me heat for not having a passport or birth certificate, but passed me with a stern warning. Land of the free....
Outside customs, asshole became inhospitable when I wouldn't go with him to buy any coke - a few hostile remarks to each other and I dumped that worthless shit. Never again. I split on my way and out of anger I got the balls to go to the apartment complex that I was renting from before I left to San Diego the last time. After a long tender and heartfelt plea that I should have won an Oscar for, the landlady agreed to let me rent an apartment again - and even in my old place! Wheeee!
So, it looks like I will be pow wowing here in El Paso for a spell. And I apologize for the ranting and badly written post - I just don't feel like writing today but I had to vent...

Thursday, April 24, 2008

One Saliva Bubble.

Sun screamed down the heat in mid morning. Out front of the Public Library smoking Lucky Strikes and yapping with colleagues - fat kids played touch football in the grass. Lonesome cat walks up strikes conversation about kidney stones. Tall yokel looking ex-military type from the flats of Kansas. So he said. Tall, lean and handsome - black shaggy hair, wide smile from full lips.
Inner self screaming he's wrong! Walk away! He's wrong all over! But, handsome, right. Goes into a monologue about his service in Afghanistan and the body count he's acquired. Popped the question if I wanted to blast on weed - I just looked off onto those purple mountains of Mexico and muttered, "Why not?"
Cut to The Plaza and sat talking of sexual innuendos and I really noticed this country yuk yuk had some big ass feet on 'em! Police patrols swooped around like vultures and I mentioned I knew a park close by that is a little more discreet. High tailed it there and he whipped out his wares and we blasted on that bench over looking the great Rio Grande Valley. Must admit - boy had some decent weed.
Higher than shit, stumbled back to the Plaza a giggling screwy mess. Sat and tried to enjoy my high - but no bueno, goddam tea heads are garrulous. Got my attention when he pulled up his tee shirt to show me his innerestin tan line. Rock hard six pack glowing white in my fucked eyes. Popped the question me and said, "Ya know what goes good with weed?"
"Nope. Porn. I know a little shack near that's guaranteed to get you kicks." Snicker.
Hop a bus down Texas under the glare of the sad petulant locals and enter Eva Theater. Smell of semen and bleach and smoke. On screen two studs banging some brunette. My trick worked. Sat in the darkness and noticed the long throbbing in my constituents jeans. Silently pulled out that stiff circumcised corn fed cock - long and thick, kneeled down between his spidery legs and bobbed that fucker but good. Hand slides across flat stomach as I felt his tension mount - quick breath, squirm of hips and he lets loose a thick discharge down my throat. He giggle says "Thanks."
Black hipster sits behind us and offers coke to the fleeting lovebirds - slap the bro a ten and me and mine retire to the mens room. Cut that shit up with a credit card, roll a dollar bill and - snort! Zowie! Snort! Wheeeeee!!!
Back to the theater and sit. Kid gets a stiffy again (two fister that curves to the side.) and I do a second round - more intense than the first. Them balls were hanging and suckable. Must've like that - his hand start mussing my hair. After the spurty nut - he breathless and beads of sweat on forehead - we return to bathroom for two more bumps under the watchful eye of the withered grey haired old pervert. "Hey baby..." She coo.
Really feeling it now - tingling and brain popping of blue electrical arcs smell of aluminum in the nostrils clean and sweet - we sit watching the porn our eyes glowing like Tesla coils. Surprise, he reaches over and unzips my fly taking my hard on out. "Just cause I'm gonna suck it don't mean I'm gay, okay?" He hisses. Of course...of course....
Boy sucks it like a champ and after a few minutes I blow a load in his mouth which he prudently spits onto the black floor - splat!
Wordlessly we leave and repair back to the Plaza and sit listening down into ourselves - that is until my arch enemy - Jorge, whore hay, Queenie, fukkinfag - swishes up and asks for a ciggie. I nod towards the boy. He rolls the fruit a Bugler. The Bitch sits like a withered old movie diva with us yapping faggot crap and then handsome started in with his schizophrenic blabber like I can't stand this shit no more. Tall dark and weird asks where a drug store is and I jumped at the chance. I turn to Queenie and slur, "Hey, bitch wyoncha take him to Walgreen's?"
They cut and I stumble over to the Tap Bar and down a quick beer.
Floating back home I smile at the fact that I never found out that fucker's name. But then again - he never asked for mine.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Sometimes a Wind Blows...

On screen some Filipina fob was getting it nasty in her tattoo snatch. The coughs slurps and random gasps of anonymous lust from the Baker's Dozen of fat or ugly or old perverts permeated the murky theater. Two seats next to me handsome Latin transient kid stroked his wiener like a masturbating idiot. I try to make him but get hostile flashes from cold undersea eyes. Whatever.
I pull out my own and dingle dangle to the nastiness on screen when out of the inky blackness young Mexican kid - khaki shorts, blue knit polo shirt, white baseball cap - slithers next to me silent and furtive. Takes my stiff joint in his frail hands and wraps his tongue around my head. Sucks and blows like a champ - my hand glides along his lithe backside, feeling sinewy muscles as he bobs slowly up and down on my cock. He's good - minutes later I am squirting semen into his mouth with gasps and grunts. Before I can button my fly, Little Faggito slinks back into the void - to the mens room where the Pompadoured Fairy lurks.
I walk outside for a smoke - wind howling under that bright blue Texas sky. Puffing on my Camel Wide, Little Faggito exits blinking in the sun - but before we can chit or chat, Old Carnale rides up shirtless on a rickity bike and starts yapping.
"Hey, guero, what's up?" He smiles toothless face of an old woman, hair a mane of grey knots.
"Not much." I croak. I don't know this person.
"Need anything?" Old Carnale whispers down empty alleyways.
I think and half jest, "Got any coke?"
"Come on." He says and I follow him into the dusty trash filled alley next to the theater - Little Faggito in tow and I haven't the slightest idea why. Red brick walls in black soot graffiti claw at the sun. Smell of urine and dried shit and dust that clog nostrils.
After preliminary checks for patrols Old Carnale pulls a small plastic bag out of the folds of his ratty clothes and smiles. Behind a smelly green dumpster as the wind blows and moans I sample his wares. Snort - wheeee! Snort - wheee!!!
Little Faggito disappears with the look of a wounded fawn as I slap the ten into Old Carnale's calloused dirty hand. Look of tired petulance - Old Carnale zips off down the dusty alley on his bicycle and I bebop back down town.
Coke takes effect and I hit centro feeling quite yummy on this dead El Paso Sunday - streets void of pedestrians, void of life. Nothing but empty buildings, wind, sand, and sun. The sun seems to suck the very life out of you and you want nothing - nothing but death. I digress and stopped at the Tap for three quick beers...
When I get back to the mish I get the bum kicks - my little Willy is gone the way of a ghost as outside amid broken bottles and rusted tin cans a tramp staggers past The Factory, his dirty right hand glides along the concrete wall leaving an iridescent trail of greasy slime...

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Me of Me.

The raucous nature and deliberate assholiness of the pansy population in this town has taxed my last nerve. For years I have enjoyed the time and serenity of solitude - not hermit, but not suffering in the muck of others drama - I go about my way and just don't care of others business, you know what I mean? I socialise, don't get me wrong, I like to talk and interact - but I am far too independent to follow the main line like everyone else, ya dig?
I have no hesitation to cut off at the blink of an eye all the phony, self important, whining, back stabbing, two faced faggotry that haunt our civilization like serpents slithering through the mire. When this happens - when I tell them with blank face and sincerity in eyes no more, it's over with ya. They gasp and go into melodramatic shock - how dare you?! Ah, go fuck yerselves, ya worthless shits - better off without ya, let me finish my drink in peace...they cannot grasp that I can live happily evermore without their simpering person.
Yes, Dear Reader, there are a couple on that recent list that I had opened myself grudgingly to and thine heart they stabath at first flutter - I will not inflate their already over blown egos by mentioning names - however they have mistaken my kindness with weakness until it was too late.
It just gets colder and colder inside...

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Science Fiction Double Feature.

With a few martinis, a bag full of coke, and some good weed - some close constituents and I got together and had an all night movie marathon. They just don't make them like this any more...

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Melodramatic Sickness.

Fernie stated he was feeling a bit light headed a few days after that vicious attack upon his person in the gay bar restroom, so after a good lunch at Luigi's, I accompanied him to St. Thompson Hospital for a check up.
We sat in the waiting room and basically cruised the hotties there as we sat the five hours for nothing - he did not have an ID with him. Why they failed to mention this upon reception is beyond me.
So, after that debacle, we swooped down to the Whatever Bar for some alkeehall and got ripped with the local denizens and snooty faggotry. However, Fernacious had began to degenerate into an uncontrollable skank - and that is a lot coming from me.
After our funds ran out - the boy decided to work the geriatric fags slumped against the bar at the Briar Patch. I mean, I'd hafta be pretty fucked up to stroke my tongue against some old vampires - yet, Fernacious did and made enough for a pitcher of brew that we bought hightailing it over to Chiquita's. At that moment, it started - well, two things to be exact - you see, at the mish there has been some voracious air born virus that had been causing stomach cramps, obnoxious diareah, and projectile vomiting amongst the tramps and it seemed that I had contracted it - at the bar my stomach started to hurt as a line formed in the bathroom stall to suck on Fernie's cock and feed him coke.
After an hour of this homo hilarity, I stumbled back to the shelter and took shelter, crawling into my bunk wracked in agonized pain. All night - my stomach felt as if it was wrapped in barbed wire and when I went to the shitter - how can I describe it delicately? Thick fudge being blown out the muffler of a '57 Chevy?
In the middle of the night as I lay there bleary eyed and suffering acute hallucinations, Fernie appears next to me - hopped up on liquor and goofballs wagging his obscene erection in my face. "Get the fuck outta here!" I hissed - but this continued through out the night - him coming to molest my sensitive person. I remember waking up and seeing Fernie masturbating William Wiggins who bunked above me while William was asleep. Ugh.
During the following day I lay bed ridden taken prisoner of this vicious hobo virus.
But I had time to think - and think I did. About what my next plan will be - my next move. And I promise it will be a lu-lu!

Saturday, April 12, 2008


So I'm sitting in the cool pungent darkness of a porno theater snickering at the funny interview with Ron Jeremy on screen when I get a call on my cell that my bud Fernie was going on a blind date and if I'd 'come along'. I look around at all the tired shriveled pot bellied men in with me and agree to meet him in an hour at The Whatever Bar.
Kinda cute Fernie was - all nervous to meet some fucker named Alex that he scammed on the previous night out. We shared a beer and talked with the lisping naco tending the bar when said Alex walked in. Uhm....ew. Even Fernie mumbled that he must've been really drunk that night. But, we both played our parts and smiled and chatted and got free beer - which is always an honest goal.
I certainly wasn't going to be a third wheel - so I called my friend Joey and invited him to join this train wreck - he stated he'd be over as soon as he could. Meanwhile, the booze flowed and it seemed more drunk I became more hostile and arrogant these desert fags were becoming. So, Fernie, Alex, and I piled into a car and sped the few blocks to Bar Chiquita's. There I seemed to maxed out my bank card but Joey arrived with M.J. in tow just in the nick of time. I stayed with them and chatted, much to the chagrin of Alex who began scamming on me once Fernie turned cold. Nope!
Dearest sweetest Joey and I had a sinister good time. However, through the course of the evening - and once we migrated over to the Briar Patch - things got a little weird between Joey and his eyecandy. While Casper was up on stage karaoke singing Neon Moon for the umpteenth million time - M.J. stood at the bar and chatted with this repulsive ancient queer who looked and acted like old Truman Capote. I believe Joey and I made our selves perfectly clear through over dramatic pantomiming that M.J. needed to whore a few drinks out of that bloated vampire - but no dice. Out on the patio afterwards - Joey degraded some and began accusing M.J. of harboring feelings for said geezer. A snarling bitch fight ensued and M.J. stormed out in a dramatic exit.
I was hot - evil turns me on. Through drunken dark thoughts I suggested to Joey that we need to grab someone, some innocent puto from the bar - go to Joey's house and get all Salo upside the victims ass.
We slunk through the bars intent on bloody carnage and in The Tool Box we found him. Fernie propped up against the bar - eyes glazed, silly grin, slithering lasciviously against the bar. We grabbed Fernie by the nipples and dragged him out to the car. "Where we goin'?" He giggled.
The night lights careened past us as Joey drove crazily around down town in no particular direction. Then I got sick. "Pull over." I mumbled. As I stood out away from the car puking up a gallon of gin and tonics this is the goofy conversation inside the car:
JOEY: Gimmee some cock.
FERNIE: Gimmee some coke.
JOEY: Where's the cock?
FERNIE: Where's the coke?
JOEY: Need some cock.
FERNIE: I need some coke.
JOEY: First the cock - then the coke.
FERNIE: No, coke first then cock.
(Small pause.)
JOEY: Fernie????!!!!
FERNIE: Joey????!!!!
And so on - it really was a little too pat. Well, I told myself I'm just going to leave these two lovebirds alone. I asked Joey to drive me to the bridge that spanned down to the mish. I left those two - me stumbling and puking into the night. I sneaked into the dorm and passed out.
Next morning, a hang over me and was shocked and mortified to learn that William Wiggins was my new bunkmate. Then, 'round 7am, Fernie stumbles in asking for smokes - his t-shirt covered in blood, black eyes, scratches on his head with a big gash on top of his scalp stitched and stapled together. He explained that he could remember nothing but being jumped in the Briar Patch mens room. "And what about, Joey?" I asked. "Who?" he stated blankly as he climbed into his bunk and passed out.
Well, the highlight of that morning was that William invited me to breakfast and that coffee was good - damn good. The boy even suggested that we go to Trixx and play around in the booths. So, for the first time in two years, William and I went to the porno theater and like old times, gave him the best head ever. He is still ever so sexy naked and what a cock. Spurting an orgasm twice - he breaking a sweat and moaning - we separated downtown and I just went back home to sleep this hangover away.
How can I complain with a life like this?

Thursday, April 10, 2008

How Industrial.

Decided it was high time to jump over to J-Town (That's Cuidad Juarez, Mexico you ignorant assholes.) And check to see if Maria is holding any apartments.
Heat shimmered and hot wind blew over that spanning International bridge. Walked the broken concrete through honking horns begging Indians screaming hawkers. Beefed up security they did on account of the Cartel Wars - sullen faced gray uniformed patrols stood on every corner with an Uzi dangling from their hip.
Four blocks in, I slinked down the sewage smelling alley - a carpet of rusted beer bottle tops and syringes cover the dirty road to Maria's trap and of course she had apartments - can't fight fate, I reckon. Will be moving on the 3rd of May to that turquoise adobe building. Darted over to the optometrist and bought some contact lenses from The Fat Man. Ate lunch at Taco Lucas and shot the shit with the cook - old time pal named Chuey. Has it been eight years we've known each other? Time passes. He's as handsome as ever - with four kids yet!
Walked through The Old Mercado - changed alot, new pavement - sat drinking jamaica in front of the Cathedral blinking in that unrelentless Mexican sun with that bright bloody blue sky. Muscular handsome cops in bright blue uniforms and body armor patrolled everywhere. Stopped in an Internet Cafe and chatted with a ghost from Costa Rica - once I was done the sky was a dull brown and strong winds blew dirt and filth in every direction. Can't beat these damn dirt storms...time to head back. Passed the INS with just a wave of the hand.
Back in El Paso, sat in a coffee shop The Percolator and sipped coffee watching the dirt storm rage outside. Ghastly. The loneliness is numbing. Sun sets and I hitch a bus back home waiting to move again to Juarez on the first of May.
When you are free to do anything and all possibilities are tasty - what do you do?

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Wild Eyed Cocksucking Coke Fiends.

Was a little disappointed in the aftermath and confusion pertaining to that apartment debacle, so I handled it in the only way fitting - I text my good pal Fernie Wanna get drunk? He said sure as shit so we clomped down to Bar Chiquita's and had a ripping good time.
After a few beers and shots of Patron - Fernie invited me to some snorts of coke he had acquired from a butt ugly tranny in the back alley. In the toilet stall of the bar - with shaking hands and dry lips - Fernie prepared the booger sugar with prompt haste. Rolled that dollar bill up and snort wheeee! - That was some good shit - electric waves of pleasure shot through my mind and I just felt yummier.
It didn't stop there - for the next two hours more booze more coke standing outside the bar smoking smoking smoking (Can't smoke in fucking bars here - Land of The Free, Home of the Brave...) On impulse decided to call a couple of friends to help us in this illegal debauchery. Fernie and I invited Casper on down and then on a whim - cause I thought it was time to meet - I called a MySpace friend I had never met face to face, a swaggering fuzzy ruggedly handsome guy named Joey - said he'd also stop by for some hooch.
What a pleasant surprise to meet him for the first time - I have chatted with Joey for over a year now and was delighted to find he wasn't a lisping simpering faggot. And he had an equally handsome date with him - a firefighter in training named Matt.
When we all came together so did the egos - all went like a well oiled asshole and Joey and I hit it off quite well. Our gang drank and snorted more C in the toilet stall or the back alley of the bar.
As the night progressed, Joey surmised the smashing idea of taking the party to his house - so, Matt, Casper, Fernie and I jumped in Joeys car and sped to his humble home. There more drugs were consumed along with alcohol - I explained to Fernie that Joey was a masseuse and if he could sample his wares.
In an adjoining room was the massage set up. Fernie lay on the table as Joey smeared scented oils onto his back, Matt produced soothing commentaries, and for some reason I started sucking Casper's cock. I blame the drugs, kids. Bad habit - don't do it.
We all paused - returned to the living room and snorted more blow - lines offered by our esteemed host on the cover of a Salvador Dali hardback. Perfect! Fernie came up with the amusing scheme of snorting a line off of Matts cock - but somehow I was voted into sniffing a bump off of Fernies cock - and well, wacha gonna do? So the group repaired back to the massage room, lights dimmed, candles burning faintly and I gave Fernie what for. And since Casper was sitting next to him, I did him, too. Why not - wouldn't you?
Not to be upstaged - Joey stripped Matt down to his dry goods and began working on Matts cock - egads! This simple gathering had turned into an out and out freak fest! The angelic music was drowned out by slurping and moaning and sighing and embarrassed giggles. Tee hee.
After everyone was done - we all returned to the plush cushioned couches of Joeys living room chained smoked cigarettes and talked on and on fueled by a heinous coke buzz. But, as all good things - it had to end. 'Round 4:30am we all began crashing hard - so Matt was kind enough to give us all a lift to our respected homes. Giving Joey and Matt the glad hand - Fernie and I said our good nights and stumbled into the darkness of the mission's grounds...

Monday, April 07, 2008

Homo Be-bop.

Whirlwinds of wackiness, fair buggers. Three attempts at attaining an apartment but cruel fate is my everlasting cock blocker. The final straw - now pay attention, you dingalings, it gets weird - was when I entered an inconvenience store for said money order to pay a deposit for a swanky trap I had my eye on. Nice hardwood floors, old tyme bathtub, and balcony over looking glistening Juarez.
Infernal contraption sucked $400 out of my account but did not issue dollar one. Must've been a fag hating machine. After an hour of screaming cussing threatening lawsuits - I calmed myself with mantra as the coward manager assured me that 'The Company' will do an audit and return my dough. Sneering I trumped out with a dramatic exit - swirling of black cloak, twirling moustache....
Well, just paid the fucking rent on my fucking apartment where I am going to fucking try - try! I tells ya, TRY! - to live out the remaining years on this mudball.
At the mission, was surprised and had feelings of angst when I saw William Wiggins sitting outback looking forlorn. Seems he is homeless again and will be entertaining the hospitality's there. We joked and smoked and the other resident homo - this mexifag named Fernie even raised a fey eyebrow at William. But I warned Fernie to be aware of that one - a walking petrie dish. Speaking of Fernie - at his bunk he was lounging under a blanket with a massive jaw dropping boner and, well had to goose 'em. He just lay there purring in spastic contemplations. Boy admitted he wants to bang the bajeesus outta me. Why, not, Fernacious, why not?
William and I chanced a shower together - just like old times. Alone, as he lathered up, I grabbed that fucker of his - he smile and say, "I can't get hard." - three strokes of my hand and that cock pointed throbbing at the Northern Lights. Silence amid the fungus and mildew of the filthy shower stall as the warm water sprayed our tense torsos, I looked into those dark brown eyes and he looked into my own blues - no words but there is still a spark there, he knew it and I knew it.. 'And I still can see Blue Velvet through my tears..."
This morning - out back of the shelter hacking and smoking and gulping Victory Coffee under the glittering golden sun - William met Mike. During chatter spreckled with homosexual innuendo, William shot glances at Mikes JLo booty with unhinged vibrating lust - William even confided in me that he wanted to 'tap that'. Ha! Silly bi-boys.
So, the wrap up to this messy sloppy post is this - I got an apartment, freaky friends, and free money for life.
Thank you, God - I wouldn't have it any other way.
Meanwhile, two hours after that post:
Okay, okay - update. Just went to plop down the deposit for that apartment. No. She said no - went on about how I need the whole amount - after the fact of our agreement. You see, the broad wanted $350 to move in and $350 last months rent. I explained I could give her $350 now to hold it and move in on the 3rd of May - but for some arcane reason she changed her mind. Though promising to hold it for me. Grrrrr! Like that is going to happen. I guess I will stick to my original plan and move to Juarez, rent a cheap trap, save my moola, take an ESL course for the certificate and head down to Central America.
Gads, what a predicament...oh, what do you care, just watch this -

Saturday, April 05, 2008

Post Manic Overload.

Herr Doktor Benway sat across from me - harrumphing and mumbling like a Bolshevik with marbles in a greasy halitosis stained mouth. Had a psychoanalysis exam with PATH - another nut ward in El Paso, rival of that MHMR outfit - but couldn't get word one across with this quack. Every single time he asked me a question the good doctor would interrupt by digging through his drawer to produce some pamphlet on arcane mental treatments. "Yes yes dis yoo may find interestink..."
This man is insane, I thought.
Towards the end of our session - his nurse, grinning moronically glaring menacingly, produced a small plastic cup with a goddamn gray horse pill coupled with a tiny red one - pushing it in my face.
"Look." I chuckled nervously - eyes ping ponging back and forth between the two. "I don't wanna take these and wake up in some asylum."
"No - no. I am your doctor - you can trust me." He stated flatly without emotion - face unreadable as a cold poker player - a fine layer of grease lacquered his black hair like a helmet. He looked like a predatory sea creature.
Down the hatch. Shortly afterwards, was issued a whole pharmaceutical of pills - mood stabilizers and anti-psychotics - and was given a follow up two weeks later. Walking out, I felt no better - if anything more upset that I wasted three hours with that croaker. Passing through the Plaza - as harsh cold gritty wind whirled around me, I tossed the bag of psychotropic medication into a trash can. Some lucky fiend dumpster diving is gonna have himself a time!
Once back at the Mish, I passed out from the effects of the dope only to be awoken by the obnoxious pestering and raucous chatter of the morons that live there. I stumbled around in a slurring hostile blurr - pissed that the fucker of a croaker over drugged me. Never going back to that asshole again.
My friend Mike Lewis tried to comfort me with kind words but I just lashed out at anything in my gray screen of numbness. Mike Lewis - how to start with that one. Our friendship had really blossomed over the past two weeks. However, Dear Reader - you understand that I do not give my respect, love or trust over easily. The past has caused me to become a conniving bitter cold thing and I will not allow anyone to hurt me. Defenses were on full alert.
For twelve years I have grown steadily worse in my opinion of people. Most folks are mean - especially them homos - and unhappy and do everything in their power to either take from you what you have or make you as miserable and vile and deceitfully as they are. I trust no one. My attention span with them is short. I care for nothing and no one. I am just going through the motions - waiting to die.
But this boy Mike - he sure is going out of his way to prove me wrong. The fool!
Anyhoo, I am getting sidetracked with this rant - onward with the story, right?
Next day, Mike and I went to the bank and I was relieved that I had received my benefit check - so I invited Mike to a delicious breakfast of juevos rancheros at Cafe Tejas in downtown. During breakfast, Mike was concerned that he still had that unpaid ticket for boozing it up in the park a week prior. Staying true to form, I stated. "No problem, kid. However - nothing is free in this world (Learing leacherously across the table.) Let me give you head and I will be more than happy to pay it." Half joking and half serious was I. I mean I must admit, the kid is a knock out!
After a moment - pondering the out come if it out come and to my faggish surprise the little lad agreed to do that which is unconvienient and next thing we were racing into an adult cinema arcade - both of us together in a locked booth - Mike sat watching the porn as I gave him what for. Twice. Mike possesses one of those classic Adonis type bodies that old fags write epic poems about. O! Young lean adolescent man/I'd conquer empires to know the touch of your hand...okay, cut! Jesus! I ain't no hack! The boy came to a quivering squirty climax twice. After snickering and playful patter, we bopped downtown and dined at Luigi's - the Italian food buffet joint. However, Mike being hopelessly heterosexual - his somber mood and angst ridden actions told me that he wasn't keen on our little afternoon tryst. And that put me in a frump, not like I put a gun to the man's head. It was just a business transaction.
After dinner, we wobbled back to the Mish and I lay in my bunk reading House Atreides the prequel to Frank Herbert's Dune. Lights out - snoring farting hacking...
The following morning after showering together, Mike and I walk downtown puffing on smokes and joking around to take in some cappuccino and pastries at a new coffee house called The Peculator. Good stuff. Keeping to my word, strolled over to the court house and started payments on that ticket he'd aquirred. The ticket itself was over $250 but I opted with a plan and had to settle with a deposit of $85 and 25% a month afterwards. All the time I was wondering - is this kid worth it? Why am I doing this? His petty affairs are no concern of mine. I got my own agenda.
Stopped at the bar Tap for booze and billiards, wasted more time walking around shops, cause Mike was interested in finding the perfect fedora. No such luck...I got horny being around him - or perhaps the fact that I secretly started to fancy the guy. (I am such a sucker for good looks and this one's got an angelic personality to boot) Kept telling myself No! No! Don't do it - the black winds of the Ugly Spirit started to blow - smell of decay and let downs and pure white hatred. Control, Luis...control. After buying himself a small pint of whiskey from a liquour store Mike agreed to go back to the adult arcade and I blew him again. It appeared the kid was more relaxed this time and his orgasm far more intense. I did my best stuff on him - hands clasped against that perfect hairless ass, my mouth slid up and down on that rock hard circumcised erection. When he came - hot spurts squirted across my tongue as I deep throated every drop - his torso shivered and he grunting deeply in racked convultions. Then again - I can suck me some cock, kiddies!
However, on the walk back to el centro, Mike began an arrogant theological tirade that just bored me. And it was at that moment that I decided to lop off this uppity whiny bastard like so many before him. I will not permit my emotions to open up and this fucker to stab and poke at my sensitivities till I am a bleeding corpse as so many had had viciously attempted prior in my long withered life. I felt those black winds blowing - the dark crevice in my mind opening. Pure white hatred emerged and I just wanted him to leave me alone permanantly.
Downtown at the Jack in the Box started a verbal sneering assault that ended with Mike doing a dramatic exit. Not to be upstaged, I left the restaurant to find the boy sulking on a street curb - I whipped out the receipt for his ticket and snarled, "Ya forgot something." Hurling the ticket at him - not spending another cent on this prick - and stormed off.
Mike caught up to me and began asking why I was being so cold and questioning my actions - all I heard was blah blah blah empty and black inside I was, not interested in anything he was babbling on about- his words echoing in my head - not caring to listen to his rant. I stood there thinking of nothing - caring for nothing - my defenses on full. I kept telling myself, just sit down, go get a bench and maybe he will go away. Boy wouldn't leave me alone - even followed me to the park and sat with me. He started to rant and rave and assault me with angry charges. Then he began to cry - honestly deeply weeping. Stating I was a friend that was worth fighting for, that I had positive attributes worth sharing, that I am a good person and should try to live with positive outlooks on life.
I must admit it effected me in a way I haven't felt in a long time. But, I live in such a precise way - even if I wanted to change my schedule wouldn't allow it. Four o'clock, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the inner abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one. 5:30, jazzercize. 6:30, dinner with me. I can't cancel that again. 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing; I'm booked. Of course, if I bump the loathing to 9 I could still be done in time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling and slip slowly into madness. But what would I wear?
Seriously - no one - and I mean NO ONE has ever cried for me. They have cried because of me - my actions being questionable and down right evil. But, never for me. Especially a freaking heterosexual. What do you say to that?
Earlier that day, I wondered if this person was worthy of my time and energy - under much deliberation and one hell of a revelation, yes indeed. He is worth all of that and more. And more I will give - till I can't give no more...
Is that what friendship - I ponder, true friendship about?