I wish meeting guys in real life was as easy as it is for
heterosexuals. I want to go into a coffee shop and write my number on a napkin
without it being weird. I want to bump into someone on the street by accident
and it be love at first sight. This internet culture gives me the green light
when it comes to sexuality. Profiles tell me which males are gay. I wish I had
the courage to effortlessly flirt. I wish I could go into a normal public space
and pick up a guy. I have to travel a distance to a gay bar just to find
someone similar to me while my friends get to go almost anywhere. I’m sick of
staring at a phone when I just want to connect with another human being in the
flesh.
Then again, perhaps I am feeling my age. Five months here in
the states and, don’t get me wrong, I am living the exact opposite as far as standards of living goes, but the loneliness is unbearable. The
solitude. I simply cannot connect with anyone of this culture. Though half of
me wants to shut down all this wayward wandering in exotic locals down and retire,
the other half screams fuck it go! go! go!
I have become to feel so alien here in this uber modern high rise I dwell in. I keep
myself busy writing or playing video games or producing moronic posts on the
internet, or plotting what next piece of swanky modern furniture I will purchase next. And yet, I feel so empty…so void. Is this what getting old is all about? The devistating finality of sitting alone in a souless apartment and living and reliving past experiences? This blog, after over a decade of spilling my guts, has lost its luster.
Everything is at a standstill. And frankly, it scares the shit out of me.
