Monday, May 15, 2006


My emotions are in quite a turmoil. Again. I work at the moment as the front desk receptionist at the Rescue Mission in El Paso, Texas. I meet all kinds of people on a daily basis, you can well realize. From tramps to all out kooks.

One day, well, a couple of weeks ago a tall thin and strikingly handsome young guy came to check in for the drug program that the mission offered. He said his name was Brian Wynn, very well groomed and exotically hot looking. My type of character.

The weeks went by and we talked and became acquainted and eventually came out to each other. The boy was witty and well educated and had quite a striking personality that I found very intoxicatingly attractive in a weird way. He was a strange and unique person for the type that stood in this cesspool. There were sparks of some sorts on both parts, I suspect and I got the balls up to ask him out to dinner and a movie.

A date. How maudlin, no? Like a freckled face schoolboy crush I clumsily went through the motions like a zombie or a dead robot without feeling or passion – what was I doing? I thought the entire night? I sat there listening to his every word, interested…yet terrified like a virgin. My entrails were frozen like solid ice. He shared intricate details of his life and I sucked it up – he drifted into flights of fantasy – or was it displacements of his dementia?

Downtown, after work, we ate at Bobo China’s buffet and shared our drug experiences that would have terrified any psychoanalysis. The words we spoke solidified our bond. I was captivated by his every word.

Taking a bus to the cinema, we caught Poseidon and it was okay – not as good as the original, I suppose, but Brian thought it was good, never seeing the first.

When the film let out, we took a bus back to down town El Paso and since the buses stopped running – it only being 8:30 p.m. (How I loath this city!) – I walked Brian back to the mission after fist stopping for sodas and smokes.

The walk was nice. We talked some more. Brian talked mostly. Sometimes his flights of fantasy was a little much but over all I think I really am beginning to like him – and like him a lot. However, there is one problem.

You see, at the mission, I am staff and he is a resident and they have very strict rules about fraternization. If management finds out about this or I pursue this any more – I can get fired. There lies the conundrum, people. What to do. Brian has already expressed his want not to go into the drug rehab program but to move in and live with me.

But, I could lose my job.

But, I like him.

If he leaves without anyone knowing – it won’t be a problem.

He doesn’t have a job yet.

He is really smart. He is really attractive. He is really funny. He is well read.

I don’t know him that well. I don’t want to get hurt. Asking someone I only met two weeks ago to move in.

I could get fired.

I don’t want to get hurt, again – again –again….

What is this doubt? Where did this come from? What am I deteriorating into? I am better than this! Stop analyzing everything!!

What happened? What happened to me? Where is that old devil may care self? That what doesn’t matter – just slide….

Take a deep breath – close your eyes – and jump….

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