The bottom line is that when I’m discontent with my life and I automatically jump to the worst thing possible; why bother anymore? I’m miserable, and I want to use. But I know where using takes me. Using takes me to dope sick mornings, mornings I wish I just wouldn’t have woken up for at all I’m so sick. Using makes me into a complete and total monster, no one will want to be around me, I go fucking insane. I use anyone and everything around me to get that “last one more”. If your an addict, you know what that means. It’s that one that’ll finally satisfy all of your needs and cravings. And if your an addict, you’ll also know that it doesn’t fucking exist. Using makes me lose all of my friends. Who wants to be seen with the guy who can’t stop shoving needles in his arm? The guy who’s covered in bruises and track marks and the occasional dried blood. The guy so disgustingly thin and completely empty looking - the life has literally been sucked out of my eyes.
I don’t want to use. I know that, so when I feel like this, you wanna know what my disease tells me? It tells me I’d be better off dead. Because that’s what this thing ultimately wants. It wants me to be another fucking statistic. Another one of the junkies that just couldn’t stop. It wants all of my money, it wants me miserable, and then it wants me to fucking die so it can move on to the next person and take their life too. Addiction doesn’t care. It doesn’t care who you are, what you look like, if you have a family, friends, a good job. None of that. All it cares about is making you miserable and killing you. It literally sucks the life right out of you.
I am a slave to to it. Once I have that first one, its game over. It consumes my thoughts. And even the days I seriously don’t want to use, I have to. There’s this little voice in the back of my head SCREAMING at me to get high. And there’s no ignoring that voice, no matter how hard I fucking try. And it never goes away.And you want to know what the craziest part about all of this is? I could literally wake up tomorrow and not feel this way at all anymore.