Saturday, April 12, 2008

Frankenfaggot.

So I'm sitting in the cool pungent darkness of a porno theater snickering at the funny interview with Ron Jeremy on screen when I get a call on my cell that my bud Fernie was going on a blind date and if I'd 'come along'. I look around at all the tired shriveled pot bellied men in with me and agree to meet him in an hour at The Whatever Bar.
Kinda cute Fernie was - all nervous to meet some fucker named Alex that he scammed on the previous night out. We shared a beer and talked with the lisping naco tending the bar when said Alex walked in. Uhm....ew. Even Fernie mumbled that he must've been really drunk that night. But, we both played our parts and smiled and chatted and got free beer - which is always an honest goal.
I certainly wasn't going to be a third wheel - so I called my friend Joey and invited him to join this train wreck - he stated he'd be over as soon as he could. Meanwhile, the booze flowed and it seemed more drunk I became more hostile and arrogant these desert fags were becoming. So, Fernie, Alex, and I piled into a car and sped the few blocks to Bar Chiquita's. There I seemed to maxed out my bank card but Joey arrived with M.J. in tow just in the nick of time. I stayed with them and chatted, much to the chagrin of Alex who began scamming on me once Fernie turned cold. Nope!
Dearest sweetest Joey and I had a sinister good time. However, through the course of the evening - and once we migrated over to the Briar Patch - things got a little weird between Joey and his eyecandy. While Casper was up on stage karaoke singing Neon Moon for the umpteenth million time - M.J. stood at the bar and chatted with this repulsive ancient queer who looked and acted like old Truman Capote. I believe Joey and I made our selves perfectly clear through over dramatic pantomiming that M.J. needed to whore a few drinks out of that bloated vampire - but no dice. Out on the patio afterwards - Joey degraded some and began accusing M.J. of harboring feelings for said geezer. A snarling bitch fight ensued and M.J. stormed out in a dramatic exit.
I was hot - evil turns me on. Through drunken dark thoughts I suggested to Joey that we need to grab someone, some innocent puto from the bar - go to Joey's house and get all Salo upside the victims ass.
We slunk through the bars intent on bloody carnage and in The Tool Box we found him. Fernie propped up against the bar - eyes glazed, silly grin, slithering lasciviously against the bar. We grabbed Fernie by the nipples and dragged him out to the car. "Where we goin'?" He giggled.
The night lights careened past us as Joey drove crazily around down town in no particular direction. Then I got sick. "Pull over." I mumbled. As I stood out away from the car puking up a gallon of gin and tonics this is the goofy conversation inside the car:
JOEY: Gimmee some cock.
FERNIE: Gimmee some coke.
JOEY: Where's the cock?
FERNIE: Where's the coke?
JOEY: Need some cock.
FERNIE: I need some coke.
JOEY: First the cock - then the coke.
FERNIE: No, coke first then cock.
(Small pause.)
JOEY: Fernie????!!!!
FERNIE: Joey????!!!!
And so on - it really was a little too pat. Well, I told myself I'm just going to leave these two lovebirds alone. I asked Joey to drive me to the bridge that spanned down to the mish. I left those two - me stumbling and puking into the night. I sneaked into the dorm and passed out.
Next morning, a hang over me and was shocked and mortified to learn that William Wiggins was my new bunkmate. Then, 'round 7am, Fernie stumbles in asking for smokes - his t-shirt covered in blood, black eyes, scratches on his head with a big gash on top of his scalp stitched and stapled together. He explained that he could remember nothing but being jumped in the Briar Patch mens room. "And what about, Joey?" I asked. "Who?" he stated blankly as he climbed into his bunk and passed out.
Well, the highlight of that morning was that William invited me to breakfast and that coffee was good - damn good. The boy even suggested that we go to Trixx and play around in the booths. So, for the first time in two years, William and I went to the porno theater and like old times, gave him the best head ever. He is still ever so sexy naked and what a cock. Spurting an orgasm twice - he breaking a sweat and moaning - we separated downtown and I just went back home to sleep this hangover away.
How can I complain with a life like this?

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