Thursday, February 02, 2012

Mental Rambling.

I haven't been feeling well. On a mental level. Quite depressed these last few days. I have so many images racing through my head - millions and millions of images - I do not sleep much at night. I lay there in the dark, coolness of my room and ponder over the most asinine crap.
I am currently in limbo awaiting the proof for my new novel titled OF MEN AND MAGGOTS. It will be my sixth book. Kind of hard to believe that I have been writing straight and non-stop since 2008. I told myself that I was going to finally leave El Paso and take a trip. Meandering across the country until I finally reached my destination of Puerto Rico. I had sketched out another novel, however, I want to begin that once I arrived on the island. I need a break.
But, there lies the conundrum; I am quite comfortable in my digs, but not happy. I want diversion, excitement, the thrill of living against all odds on the road like the old days. El Paso offers none of these things. I can not connect with the indigenous locals. All my old friends have moved away - there really is nothing here that interests me. But, every time I talk with someone here about it, they wind up convincing me to stay. I realize their view - they enjoy stability and structure in their lives. so, do I - to an extent. I am not ready to "settle in", yet.
Juarez was an option, but I am burned out on that mooch infested town, plus I rather not duck and roll from random gunfire every time I step out of my apartment when I want to but a taco.
And so, I am in mental limbo - I was going to purchase more furniture for my apartment the following month, but I think I am going to put it off. I will make, or attempt to make, my final decision when I am done with this current work.
At this moment, what am i going to do? i do not know. I truly do not. And, that is driving me mad.

1 comment:

marv said...

Everyone used to and still tells me to leave. I try assuaging myself and remind myself that you carry heaven and hell. If you're not happy here, you'll never be satisfied anywhere. But i say travel. I say go while you can still afford to go. But come back often to the places you've been. You work off of experiences but if all you had was experiences then you'd never get any work done. etc etc ramblings...