Gay Guide to Tijuana.

You asked for it...you took it and moaned for more - Here is the semi-definitive Gay Guide to Tijuana. I am an American gringo puto who has lived in Tijuana pert near ten years now...I think I know a little something of this town. I have included pretty much everything your faggoty little heart can desire. So grab your ruck sack....pack light, only the necessities and let´s have some fun down ol´Mexico way.

Okay, kiddies - we're going to the happiest place on earth: TIJUANA!

Let's take for granted that you have a Friday, Saturday, and Sunday to kill. I'll break it all down for you in a suggestive day by day routine. Of course these are only suggestions and you can mix-n-match to whatever your perverted little minds can decide on. Also, the addresses and directions may seem a little vague, but really isn´t exploration half the fun?

NOTE: It is a fact...a tired, long winded, well known atrocity of a fact that Americans come down here and treat the locals like crap. Like you're visiting freakin' Disneyland and the locals supposed to cater to your every whim. Leave that attitude at the border, bitch! You'll be eaten alive. Respect the locals and everything will be fine. Okay, on with the report:

FRIDAY:

Do not drive across!!! Walk, fatso! It's not that far. Take the blue line trolley from San Diego or leave your car on the American side. There are many cheap parking lots to choose from - most run about $5 to $10 a day. Don´t worry they´re safe. Then again, who would want your old clunker, anyway, right? Once on the other side, it takes fifteen minutes to walk to Revolution Avenue. If you don't want to walk, take a cab, chubby...but only TAXI LIBRE, they have meters. It'll cost you about twenty pesos. (Two dollars for you gringos.) If you take a yellow cab expect to pay up to seven dollars. So, pass those fuckers up. Taxi Libre's are white and orange. Once you pass the metal revolving gates at the border you will see a McDonald´s. If you can resist the temptation of stopping to stuff your face, waddle the next block south of Mickey Dee´s and you will come upon the stand for Taxi Libre´s. Ask the cab driver to take you to Plaza Santa Cecilia. With any luck he will either drop you off under the Arch (you'll know it when you see it.) or on the corner of Avenida Secundo (Second Street...learn Spanish, ferthechrissakes!!!!) and Constitution Ave.

 If you are going to walk, then go with the flow. Follow all the tourists to that big ass arch in the distance. With elbow and teeth you have to make it to that arch at all costs!! Pass all the little rug rats asking for change, dodge the filthy heroin addicts screaming obscenities at you, take a big whiff of Rio Tijuana as you stumble over the footbridge into downtown. You have to make it to that arch and to the beginning of Plaza Santa Cecilia! C'mon, move it, princess - I don't have all day!

Now, the point of this is that Plaza Santa Cecilia is Tijuana's Castro St., Santa Monica Blvd., Greenwich Village, South Beach...it's fag central, folks. It is a block of innerestin' gay bars. Once you depart the cab, and please tip the guy at least a dollar, you will notice the Plaza is perpendicular to Revolution Ave. (the main strip of shops, bars, and restaurants.) and very crowded with vendors and shops. Walk around and enjoy the scenery. But first, you might want to find a place to rest your little head.

On the north east of the Plaza next to the Arch corner is Hotel Nelson. It is clean but pricey. They don't mind if you invite visitors up into your room for a little hoodlyhoo. A block north is Hotel Alaska...cheaper, rattier but they do not mind visitors, either. This hotel Alaska also caters to hustlers. Many live here, so watch it. Don´t let the outside fool you though, it´s all right. Clean rooms, but real thin walls. I´d rented a room there once with a boy and me and the kid competed with the straight couple in the other room in who could fuck longer and louder. We won.

But, hell, there are hundreds of hotels within a block of the Plaza, from fancy to jesus christ I paid for this trap, so just pick one that suites your whiny ass. All you need is a bed and a hot shower, right?

"But I don't want my things to get stolen!" You shrill.

Leave the freakin' tiara at home, only bring a toothbrush and clean shorts, okay!? If you have personal items that you think will get stolen, leave them behind. Use your street smarts 'cause I tell you, you're gonna need them.

Okay, so you found a hotel. Let's knock out the bars in the Plaza.

El Ranchero:

The famous...the notorious Ranchero Bar. For the first five years of my move here this was my second home. Everything you have read online about this place was probably true. When you enter, there will be a bottom (stop giggling!) floor. Here it is a little more relaxed. They have strippers every Friday and Saturday night. Shoo away the first three guys that ask you to buy them a drink - they are probably going to rob you anyway. The economics of Tijuana have risen. So, if the asshole can't buy his first beer, he needs to go back home. Check out the scene, the waiters are pretty cool. Tip them! But, don't overdo it, you start waving the green backs and the hustlers will be crawling all over you like flies to honey and within minutes you will be broke and frustrated. Check out upstairs. Go ahead...don´t be a fraidy cat. It's a bit more social. Younger crowd, too. Dance floor and drag shows. You'll get the drift.

Villa Garcia: 

A couple of bars down the plaza and there's the Garcia. It's just like Ranchero except a little cleaner. Though the penis peepin is more rampant here in the bathroom than at other places. Same thing, Drag shows below, Strippers upstairs. Buy a beer and then move on.

Hawaii Bar: What freakin' American pansy opened this eyesore?! It's a new bar/restaurant that opened a few years ago. Between Ranchero and Garcia. Real snooty. Food sucks. Waiters pushy. Not a second in the door a waiter asked me what did I want, I said I just want to check the joint out, he asked me to purchase a beer or leave. I left.

Bar D.F.: This is a fun little place on the south end of the plaza. Older crowd but real laid back. If you've met somebody by now, here is a good place to kick it and get to know them better.

Okay, ask somebody where the hell is Bar Taurino. Then walk around the corner to it. It's a hellifyingly huge turquoise building with a giant red neon sign on it that says "Taurino" on it. By the way, look to the right and above Taurino and see "Banos" don't worry your gringo ass about the name of the place...you can't read Spanish, anyway, remember? Just remember "Banos" is "BATH". Ding. Ding. Ding. Guess what that is?! Yes, Virginia, you're right. It's a public bath house!!! Now if you are going down first street around from the Plaza to Taurino, on the right hand side above those feelthy chicken restaurants is another "Banos" Dig it? That's two. But don't go ape shit just yet, you'll have plenty of time for that later.

Bar Taurino:

A loud den of locals and a smidgen of Americans. This is a pretty cool place. Unlike Ranchero you don't have hustlers flinging and clawing at you at every step. I know you are lonely and like the attention, but they are only out for money and usually just end up robbing you. Bar Taurino is a nice dive with a dance floor and friendly people - on the weekends ask for the waiter Gustavo, he'll take care of you and how. Highly recommended.

Want skanky? I know you do, you perv. Find your way to Avenida Coahilla. Exit Taurino and head down the sloping sidewalk. Dodge the prepubescent girl hookers. (Girls, ewwww!) At the first corner, hang a left and gawk at the street that you just stumbled upon. Every horrid vision you ever had about Tijuana nightlife comes true on this street. Row upon row of whorehouses bathed in candy colored neon, trashy multicolored spandex clad hookers stand shoulder to shoulder grabbing at your crotch. Drunks materialize out of dark cracks and bum you for money. Intoxicated and rowdy military stumble around incoherently sprayed with their own vomit. Walk to the end of the street and make a right. Look across the street. Find the bar called Kin-Kle. If you don´t see it ask around. Trust me you will get a chuckle or a raised eyebrow and expect to be hit up for a tip. But it is worth it.

Kin-kle: (Pronounced Kin Klay.) I recall that bar in Star Wars...the drug crazed transvestites paw you as you come in the door and you will be greeted by a cadaverous waiter. He is a tall, thin man in a dirty ill fitted tuxedo. Real nice guy. That's not sarcasm, he really is a nice guy. Order a beer and sit and watch the show. Meaning the people around you. Transvestites, junkies, parolees, deportees, thieves, super butch dykes, and they are all queer. Trust me, people will sit with you and they will strike up a conversation. It won´t matter if you speak Spanish or not...they will talk to you. I love this place! Go into the restroom...go on, I DARE YOU.

The Anchor: On the corner next to Kin-Kle is the Anchor. It's about six notches above Kin-Kle but caters to the same clientele. Lots of locals for you to talk with. You´ll be sitting alone then all of a sudden, some guy sits next to you finger bangin´ a hooker, while some cholo sits opposite you passing around a joint and asking you all kinda dirty questions. And the beer´s cheap!

Noa-Noa: A block around the corner from the Anchor is Noa-Noa. Amazonian Transvestite Street Hookers patrol the front door flashing their post-op silicone atrocities at passing cars and if yer lucky one will hit you up. ¨Wanna plo chob?¨ It has a bar and a dance floor with the obligatory Drag Show. The last time I went into this place the waiter had these boys do a line up in front of me and asked me wringing his hands lasciviously, "What do you want?" "Uh, a Tecate?" I stuttered. A thirteen year old boy flopped next to me and smiled, "You like beeg one, Meester?" I got up and left. I'm not a pedophile.

Okay...so you wanna dance? You just gotta dance!!! Fag. There are several Discos to choose from so's ya can shake a tail feather. Find yer ass back to the plaza. Heading east away from the Arch...the way back to the United States, after you pass the first bridge over the bubbling Rio Tijuana (Take a whiff...Ah, the smell of untreated sewage right next to all them restaurants!) you will head into Plaza Viva Tijuana, the gaudy tourist plaza. Scream at those little Indian kids to leave you the fuck alone...Once in the Plaza, go left of the bridge, behind "Mr. Taco" and you will find:

Extasis: You've heard of this disco right? Why don't you just go to snobby Hillcrest in San Diego and dance there...no big difference. Glitzy, gaudy, attitude, rich, snobby Mexicans. I blame MTV. I went there with friends once...lasted ten minutes. But they do have an innerestin' dark room if you wanna play duck, duck, goose...

Run as fast as you can back towards the Arch. Whilst you’re in the neighborhood, have that boy you found to take you to Mike's. You did find a boy...right?

Not yet?

Loser.

Oh, well...remember you gotta dance!!!

Back at the Arch and you find yourself at the foot of Revolucion Blvd. Breeder Heaven. Primly sashay down the way and gawk in horror at all the drunk college kids. Gasp in terror at the Strip Bar Doormen pounding you to come see their "Titty Girls and Pussy women". Shriek in passion at all the horny drunk military stumbling out of said strip clubs with hard-ons ready for the pluckin'! But, YOU GOTTA DANCE RIGHT?!!! So down on the corner of Fifth and Revolucion you will find:

Mike's: Very popular and very trendy. It was THE dance club before Extasis opened up. Real friendly crowd. They have the obligatory drag show at midnight, so expect everything to grind to a halt at these untalented escapades.

X Palace: Pronounced Eckies Palace. Another boogie down disco across the way from the Jai Alai Stadium. A nice little place. Good dance floor. Eclectic crowd.

It's late. What to do now? What else, take the boy you found back to your hotel and fuck the shit outta him!!! Give 'em a good helpin' of God Bless America! (Use a condom. No wait, like my Dad said, "Condoms are fer sissies, whatcha think the face an' ass are for?" Serious, he said that. But, use a condom anyways...YOU KNOW WHY!!! Don't want my pretties to become another HIV statistic.)

SATURDAY:

God, your ugly in the morning. Drag your ass outta bed, take a shower and head down to the Plaza for breakfast. Ah, the smell of coffee and refried beans. Makes me mouth smack just thinking about it! Okay, as you will notice there are several restaurants to choose from. THEY ARE ALL THE SAME. Choose the one with the cutest waiter and sit the fuck down. May I suggest La Fuenta - cause that's where I eat. 

After you slopped down some grub, here's what your gonna do. You’re horny and that boy you met last night took off. (With twenty dollars and your bracelet! Asshole!) So what to do? Go take in some theater, of course! Find your way to the corner of Second Street and Constitution. Walk kitty corner across the street. Walk up second until you come to a touristy plaza selling a shitload of candy, cheese, and nuts. This is the 2nd Street Old Mercado. The smell alone will knock you on your ass!! Stand there a moment and watch the flies do the Macarena on the candy. Find your way inside, all the way to the back. Make a left and:

Cinema 2000: Oh, yeah...a freakin' porno theater right smack dab in the middle of nowhere! Plunk your 25.00 pesos down and go in. Grainy Italian porn from the seventies with American overdubbing and Spanish subtitles! It doesn't get any better than this! Wocka-wocka-wairn-nair!!! Look around at the clientele. They're locals. They're men. And they're reeeaaalll horny. I dare you to whip out your big nasty...they'll be all over you like vampires to a nekkid virgin. Go into the bathroom. So you don't know Spanish? Just point at their crotch and make slurping sounds. I have participated in full blown Roman orgies in this place. It's a hoot.

Okay, you freakin' cockjunkie...still want more? Wipe your mouth and exit the plaza. Walk straight out and across the street you will see a big brown department store called Dorian's. It's the Mexican version of Macy's. Fight the urge to shop, you little queer, and turn left out of the plaza. You are now on Ave. Nino's Heroes. Walk a couple of blocks to Fifth Street and you'll come upon a tan and purple theater. I know, sometimes I think Mexicans are color blind.

Cinema Latino:

To the left of the main entrance is a small arched door. This is the entrance to the porno theater. Waddle your fat ass up the ramp and pay the 40.00 pesos. This place is a porno palace - A cockjunkies paradise. There is more action in the theater seats than there is up on the screen. Your mind will reel at the amount of cock sucking in this place! Go into the dungeon like restroom. Trust me, even if you look like Ernest Borgnine, you will get some action here.

CRUISING TIP: If someone is rubbing themselves. Sit next to them and grab it, it means they want to anyway. Americans are so fucking paranoid and defensive. You are in a Porno Theater. In a foreign country. No one knows you. Do what you want!! Let loose!!

Okay, after that madness, your mouth is tired and you need a message. Down on Revolucion Blvd, behind the Gigante Supermarket is Tijuana's only all male ethical massage parlor. I'm talking 100% all natural Crisco oil neck to balls body message! I asked the owner what the name of his establishment was. He just shrugged and said, "All Male Message." I thought, how boring and suggested calling it "Me Rub You Long Time."

So every drop of semen has been drained out of you and you still want more! Oh, you randy bitch!! Well, stumble down fourth street west of Revolution to Ave. 5 de Mayo and you will find a very pretty park. Have a seat on one of the metal benches under a gently swaying tree and watch the parade of hot men stroll by. The boys here are rather delicious and is worth the trip.

Just sit yer ass there and twiddle your thumbs. Do not worry, within minutes a guy will sit with you and start up a conversation. It's funny, these guys are so blunt and will flat out ask you to go somewhere. Maybe his house? What? The guy you found lives with his Aunt, six cousins and a chicken named Pepe? Not to worry, on the far corner off 4th and G St. across from the park you will find Banos De La Parque. Yessiree, Bob! It's a conveniently located Bath and only three fuckin' dollars per head! (Stop snickering!) Go on in with the guy and have a spot of unclean fun. Don't forget to clean those nooks and crannies!

Bet you are hungry. I know you are. On the opposite side of the park is a chain of family owned restaurants and are frequented by the local queers. The food is cheap, a plate of carne asada, beans, salad, and a drink will run you around two fifty, and the dishes are finger lickin' good. You can sit there, rehabilitating your asshole, watching the boys walk by, and occasionally flicking the small roach off your table.

After eating, why don'tcha go back to your hotel and take a nap. It's Saturday night and yer gonna do it all again. You're a pro this time - a seasoned traveler. You'll be all right. If yer lucky you won't get robbed and your ass kicked for being a snotty American.

SUNDAY:

Go home. Please. What else you want? Shop? A taco? GO!! It will take forever to cross the border anyway, so start early. And as you stand behind that fat tourist with the whining kid you can relish the memories that you will take back home. Some memories you will never forget. Some will take up to six to eight weeks to get rid of.