Post Manic Overload.

Herr Doktor Benway sat across from me - harrumphing and mumbling like a Bolshevik with marbles in a greasy halitosis stained mouth. Had a psychoanalysis exam with PATH - another nut ward in El Paso, rival of that MHMR outfit - but couldn't get word one across with this quack. Every single time he asked me a question the good doctor would interrupt by digging through his drawer to produce some pamphlet on arcane mental treatments. "Yes yes dis yoo may find interestink..."

This man is insane, I thought.

Towards the end of our session - his nurse, grinning moronically glaring menacingly, produced a small plastic cup with a goddamn gray horse pill coupled with a tiny red one - pushing it in my face.

"Look." I chuckled nervously - eyes ping ponging back and forth between the two. "I don't wanna take these and wake up in some asylum."

"No - no. I am your doctor - you can trust me." He stated flatly without emotion - face unreadable as a cold poker player - a fine layer of grease lacquered his black hair like a helmet. He looked like a predatory sea creature.

Down the hatch. Shortly afterwards, was issued a whole pharmaceutical of pills - mood stabilizers and anti-psychotics - and was given a follow up two weeks later. Walking out, I felt no better - if anything more upset that I wasted three hours with that croaker. Passing through the Plaza - as harsh cold gritty wind whirled around me, I tossed the bag of psychotropic medication into a trash can. Some lucky fiend dumpster diving is gonna have himself a time!

Once back at the Mish, I passed out from the effects of the dope only to be awoken by the obnoxious pestering and raucous chatter of the morons that live there. I stumbled around in a slurring hostile blurr - pissed that the fucker of a croaker over drugged me. Never going back to that asshole again.

My friend Mike Lewis tried to comfort me with kind words but I just lashed out at anything in my gray screen of numbness. Mike Lewis - how to start with that one. Our friendship had really blossomed over the past two weeks. However, Dear Reader - you understand that I do not give my respect, love or trust over easily. The past has caused me to become a conniving bitter cold thing and I will not allow anyone to hurt me. Defenses were on full alert.

For twelve years I have grown steadily worse in my opinion of people. Most folks are mean - especially them homos - and unhappy and do everything in their power to either take from you what you have or make you as miserable and vile and deceitfully as they are. I trust no one. My attention span with them is short. I care for nothing and no one. I am just going through the motions - waiting to die.

But this boy Mike - he sure is going out of his way to prove me wrong. The fool!

Anyhoo, I am getting sidetracked with this rant - onward with the story, right?

Next day, Mike and I went to the bank and I was relieved that I had received my benefit check - so I invited Mike to a delicious breakfast of juevos rancheros at Cafe Tejas in downtown. During breakfast, Mike was concerned that he still had that unpaid ticket for boozing it up in the park a week prior. Staying true to form, I stated. "No problem, kid. However - nothing is free in this world (Learing leacherously across the table.) Let me give you head and I will be more than happy to pay it." Half joking and half serious was I. I mean I must admit, the kid is a knock out!

After a moment - pondering the out come if it out come and to my faggish surprise the little lad agreed to do that which is unconvienient and next thing we were racing into an adult cinema arcade - both of us together in a locked booth - Mike sat watching the porn as I gave him what for. Twice. Mike possesses one of those classic Adonis type bodies that old fags write epic poems about. O! Young lean adolescent man/I'd conquer empires to know the touch of your hand...okay, cut! Jesus! I ain't no hack! The boy came to a quivering squirty climax twice. After snickering and playful patter, we bopped downtown and dined at Luigi's - the Italian food buffet joint. However, Mike being hopelessly heterosexual - his somber mood and angst ridden actions told me that he wasn't keen on our little afternoon tryst. And that put me in a frump, not like I put a gun to the man's head. It was just a business transaction.

After dinner, we wobbled back to the Mish and I lay in my bunk reading House Atreides the prequel to Frank Herbert's Dune. Lights out - snoring farting hacking...

The following morning after showering together, Mike and I walk downtown puffing on smokes and joking around to take in some cappuccino and pastries at a new coffee house called The Peculator. Good stuff. Keeping to my word, strolled over to the court house and started payments on that ticket he'd aquirred. The ticket itself was over $250 but I opted with a plan and had to settle with a deposit of $85 and 25% a month afterwards. All the time I was wondering - is this kid worth it? Why am I doing this? His petty affairs are no concern of mine. I got my own agenda.

Hmmmmm....

Stopped at the bar Tap for booze and billiards, wasted more time walking around shops, cause Mike was interested in finding the perfect fedora. No such luck...I got horny being around him - or perhaps the fact that I secretly started to fancy the guy. (I am such a sucker for good looks and this one's got an angelic personality to boot) Kept telling myself No! No! Don't do it - the black winds of the Ugly Spirit started to blow - smell of decay and let downs and pure white hatred. Control, Luis...control. After buying himself a small pint of whiskey from a liquour store Mike agreed to go back to the adult arcade and I blew him again. It appeared the kid was more relaxed this time and his orgasm far more intense. I did my best stuff on him - hands clasped against that perfect hairless ass, my mouth slid up and down on that rock hard circumcised erection. When he came - hot spurts squirted across my tongue as I deep throated every drop - his torso shivered and he grunting deeply in racked convultions. Then again - I can suck me some cock, kiddies!

However, on the walk back to el centro, Mike began an arrogant theological tirade that just bored me. And it was at that moment that I decided to lop off this uppity whiny bastard like so many before him. I will not permit my emotions to open up and this fucker to stab and poke at my sensitivities till I am a bleeding corpse as so many had had viciously attempted prior in my long withered life. I felt those black winds blowing - the dark crevice in my mind opening. Pure white hatred emerged and I just wanted him to leave me alone permanantly.

Downtown at the Jack in the Box started a verbal sneering assault that ended with Mike doing a dramatic exit. Not to be upstaged, I left the restaurant to find the boy sulking on a street curb - I whipped out the receipt for his ticket and snarled, "Ya forgot something." Hurling the ticket at him - not spending another cent on this prick - and stormed off.

Mike caught up to me and began asking why I was being so cold and questioning my actions - all I heard was blah blah blah empty and black inside I was, not interested in anything he was babbling on about- his words echoing in my head - not caring to listen to his rant. I stood there thinking of nothing - caring for nothing - my defenses on full. I kept telling myself, just sit down, go get a bench and maybe he will go away. Boy wouldn't leave me alone - even followed me to the park and sat with me. He started to rant and rave and assault me with angry charges. Then he began to cry - honestly deeply weeping. Stating I was a friend that was worth fighting for, that I had positive attributes worth sharing, that I am a good person and should try to live with positive outlooks on life.

I must admit it effected me in a way I haven't felt in a long time. But, I live in such a precise way - even if I wanted to change my schedule wouldn't allow it. Four o'clock, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the inner abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one. 5:30, jazzercize. 6:30, dinner with me. I can't cancel that again. 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing; I'm booked. Of course, if I bump the loathing to 9 I could still be done in time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling and slip slowly into madness. But what would I wear?

Seriously - no one - and I mean NO ONE has ever cried for me. They have cried because of me - my actions being questionable and down right evil. But, never for me. Especially a freaking heterosexual. What do you say to that?

Earlier that day, I wondered if this person was worthy of my time and energy - under much deliberation and one hell of a revelation, yes indeed. He is worth all of that and more. And more I will give - till I can't give no more...

Is that what friendship - I ponder, true friendship about?