Hate upon Hate upon Hate...

Shifting in fits of insomnia. The middle of the night was cold and dark and damp. Lay in my bed listening to the whispers in my head - then: "Goddamit?! You pissed the bed again?" A shrill weakened voice cried, "I can't help it!" It was my parents in the other room. Tried to ignore it. Then more yelling from that foul little man - then a great crash and my mother screaming, "Get off me! Get off me!" Voice reaches a crescendo in terror.

I bolt out of my bed and into their room and freeze at this image - mother akimbo on the bed half naked fear across ashen face kicking with horror at that monster that bent over her. "Get your fucking hands off of my mother!" I roar with hatred and fury I have not felt since...

He lunges at me and I stand fully erect and nose to nose I warn, "You lay one fucking hand on me I'll knock the rest of those rotted teeth outcher mouth!" Fear is in those ashen eyes - no longer am I that boy he can abuse, no longer that boy that he can control. I look at my mother - she withered and shivering in pain across the bed from him.

I have never hit a woman. I have never hit a child. I have never struck the elderly - these flashed across my mind at the instant that I was going to lay the old monster flat on his back and unconscious.

I walked out - grab my smokes and headed for the patio. I will not lower myself to that fiendish assholes level. A moment passes and that monster drags me inside. Pointing at the scratches on his arm and neck he goes into a futile attempt at telling me that it was a seizure on her account - pointing at those marks like a guilty child. "Looks like marks of someone trying to feign off an attack to me." I stated cold - so fucking cold inside. "Just go to bed!", he roars, "You don't know what you're talking about!" No -perhaps not - but I know what I'd seen.

A day pass and no words are said. As I was washing dishes, I explained that I am expecting a check in the mail in a few days and I will leave. Fine. It is for the best we both agreed.

Now, this morning the old fuck drags me to the living room for another one sided discussion. For the fourth time he asked what was my plan - for the fourth time I explained it. He then went on - thanks to the over exaggerated reports from a self righteous sibling - he expressed that I was basically evil. Yeah - I know.

More petty accusations spilled forth from him and that was it. He said it was time for me to leave. I was already packed - saw this shit on the horizon. At the door I calmly stated, "You know, I came up here to see my mother before she died and perhaps to make amends with you. You fought it all the way. After mom dies - who the fuck is going to visit you?" And I walked out.

The second day in that house I made my intentions very clear - I needed time to think things out with myself. I wanted to see my mother one last time and make good with my father. During the course of two weeks I was especially gracious - helping my invalid mother while my father worked, cleaning the house, hardly eating their food, trying to stay out of the way. Never did I complain - never did I ask for anything. However, I was - on a daily basis confronted by nothing but sheer arrogance and hostile derogatory remarks on his behalf. I tried to talk to him in a sane compassionate way - I usually got a sneering grunt if anything.

No more. No mas. Don't need these people - don't care for them. I have lived twenty years without their over judgemental idiotic nosing into my affairs - I can and will go twenty more. My emotions for my family - however frayed they be - are now completely severed.

And so, I am now utterly alone in this world and you know what? That's okay. I am now free...