(Note: This entry was written long-hand in Plaza San Jacinto two evenings prior.)
What am I doing here? Sitting in this park - alone. Miserable. Again, severed. Is this my fate? To wander this dirt ball bitter, sad, filled with angst and a common hatred for people? Where - when - did it all collapse?
I was someone once. Not a person of fame or importance - but, a human being with feelings and a lust for life. Now, I am a double-exposed photograph - faded, forgotten, uninterested.
Is it too late to change? Have I gotten so far out that there is no chance of coming back? I'm talking on a mental level here.
Then again, I could be talking crazy and you don't care, anyway...I know I don't.
For the past two years, I had tried to live as everyone had suggested - stable, responsible, boring.
It has - within the last year - been eating my insides like maggots. Two years ago, I was full of vigor and energy. Now, I am weak, over-weight, and fearful of any change. And to top it off, stuck in a fucked up, petty city inhabited by fucked up, petty citizens - a city I vowed never to return and yet here I am. Fucking karma.
I had recently dumped my concerns onto the uninterested ears of a long time acquaintance. He summed it up with, "Blasini, you know as well as I do, you are an outside cat, not an indoor cat."
Of course he is right. How could anyone be content stuck in a lifetime of rut.
I have narrowed this predicament down to two options: Either go on the road and travel on to Puerto Rico as I originally had planned or just jump down to Colombia and teach English. Either are quite exciting, yet both attain their bad sides.
If Puerto Rico is a bust - I can at least put that behind me and move on to Colombia. What do I have to lose?
Of course, I have everything to lose - everything I had worked for the past two years. And, what good is that? Comfortable boredom? It is time. This city screams at me, "Get out!! Get out, now!! You are not welcome here!!"
Sigh.
Why fight it? Why debate it? Why fucking psycho-analyze everything?
Close your eyes and jump...
3 comments:
They say, If you make it in New York, You can make it anywhere.
Truth is, If you can make it in EL PASO, You can make it anywhere.
"My ambition is handicapped by laziness"
— Charles Bukowski
El Paso seems to have played itself out for you. Puerto Rico will offer the allure of a foreign land, while still being a stone's throw from the USA for any emergencies.
You will have new places, new subjects, new topics to write about, and you'll be surrounded by beautiful beaches and ocean views (and the Latino boys you so desire ;)
After trying your hand at teaching English, you'll have a bit of a credential to continue on to S. America, if you wish.
Go for it! You've been talking about it for a couple of years now, and you're not getting any younger.
Robert, that is - by far - the smartest words I've read in many a moon.
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