Thursday, October 27, 2011

A Blue Tomorrow

It has been almost a week since I found out and I am still feeling blue. Last Saturday evening as I was sending a message on facebook concerning book sells, I noticed under the word message (not the icon that usually notifies me of current private messages) the number 32. I clicked onto and found an entire slew of messages from people. Obviously, with facebooks new changes, I get notified of messages only from people who are on my friends list. I noticed a few from my sister and one from my nephew - they had attempted to contact me to let me know that my mother had passed away on August 23rd.
At first, I was quite livid because of the tardiness of the notes - cursing facebook even more when I attempted several times to send a message reply to my sister only to keep receiving an "Oops! Error! Please try again later!" to finally a full out ban for four days in lieu of spamming someone who is not on my friends list. Ugh!!
Eventually, I called my sister and we chatted. Mother passed peacefully and was cremated a few days later.
The following day, it hit me pretty hard. I felt such a sadness. Is this what it's like to mourn?
Sunday afternoon I had gotten the idea to walk downtown and find a church, sit and pray, giving my final respects. I walked to no less than five churches and they were all closed on a Sunday?! I even went to the old catholic cathedral on Oregon St. - a nun was there (Or a Mother Superior, I don't know which, I'm not catholic) yet, she wouldn't let me in on account I didn't speak Spanish.
So, I just walked over to a quiet park, sat on a bench, and did it there. I thought about her as I was a kid, to the last day I saw her in Eureka, I thought of the funny, silly ways she would joke and make me laugh, I thought of the hard and cold times at the hand of that brutal monster that she had married - a million memories flushed through my head. I sat and weeped.
I'm going to miss you, mom. I always had and always will, love you. I will miss you so much.

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