Thursday, June 14, 2012


I wiped the cum I just sprayed onto Saul’s ass with the palm of my hand until it was nothing more than a clammy patch of copper-colored skin and then collapsed on top of his back. He told me I had to pull out. I kept thinking I should really wear a condom, but it’s so hard to go back once you’ve fucked without one. I couldn’t imagine being attached to Saul for the rest of my life should we both contract something. I’d already cum inside him once while we were drunk, and he went into a spiel afterwards about genital warts and STD’s. A real mood killer.
It was funny. There was a time when I couldn’t imagine not spending the rest of my life with him. I've known him forever and felt utterly comfortable around him. Now, I spent most of my days fretting over how to get away from him. I knew this wasn’t healthy. Fucking my ex-boyfriend. And not just any ex-boyfriend, the one who broke my heart the first time. The one who fucked Alfredo, my best friend from the first days of living in Tijuana. The one who sent me on the whole downward spiral of drug and alcohol abuse in the first place.
Despite all the guilt and shame over letting Saul back into my life, I still felt like I needed him right now. He took care of me in a motherly sort of way that no real boyfriend would ever put up with. He carried me home when I got too drunk, took my shoes off before he put me to bed, poured me a glass of water if I wasn’t unconscious already, and a lot of times he’d even blow my flaccid whiskey dick even when I knew there was no way I’d be able to hop on top of him in that condition. And I was still so lonely from losing Hector, I just, well, I needed Saul even if most of the time we spent together, aside from the sex, felt like my brain was being scrubbed with a piece of steel wool.
I knew the routine though. I’d wrap my arms underneath him and cradled him as I kissed his cheek. He’d turn his neck towards me and between heaves of breath said, “I love you.”
He’d said it every time we’d fucked since we’d ran into each other again on the patio at Bar Ranchero. It had been a couple of years since I’d last seen him, and he was drunk, and this time for whatever reason, I didn’t get up and walk away when he sat down. He gave me what I felt was a fairly heartfelt apology, and then offered me a no strings attached session of fucking after the bar. It had been six months since I had gotten laid, since Hector and I had fucked the last time on a drunken night a couple months after we broke up in El Paso. The loneliness was killing me. I didn’t even have a stupid crush to fantasize about, and I was so desperate for a man. I went back home with Saul, and I didn’t remember much of that night after the bar, but I remembered him saying, “I love you.”
I said it back the first time. I’d said it back a few times actually, but he said it every time. It had been two months since we had hooked up again. We’d spent almost every night together even though this was supposed to be a strictly fuckbuddies type of arrangement, and every fucking time, except for the one’s on drunken blackout nights I couldn’t remember, I was sure he said it at least once. Most of the time, I just smiled or pretended not to hear him. When it was really great sex, I’d get caught off-guard and reciprocate. For whatever reason, this time I asked about it, “Why do you have to say that?”
“I don’t know. I mean, I do.”
“It’s weird is all.”
“I think I’m still in love with everyone I’ve ever been in love with. I don’t think it goes away.”
I gritted my teeth a little bit when I heard him. Because getting back together with him had stirred some of these same emotions in me. It had been years since he’d broken my heart, and staring at him when he said that made me feel that time when I thought he was the most perfect specimen of human male I’d ever laid eyes upon. I decided to say it back again, “I love you too, I guess. It’s just weird, you know?”
“Well, I don’t know, well, I mean…”
“Because of Alfredo?”
As he said his name, I felt something vile enter my stomach through my esophagus. It was the hatred. He was one of only two people I could ever say he truly hated. Apparently, the hatred didn’t go away either. I wanted to forgive him. I’d guessed I had, but this whole situation just didn’t feel appropriate. I felt as if it was the perfect opportunity to tell him I didn’t want to do this anymore, but then again, where else would I be able to find someone I was so sexually compatible with who would put up with my drinking? I decided to just say, “Yeah.”
“Look, what we did to you was awful, and a part of me will always feel like a terrible human being, but it doesn’t mean I didn’t love you. Even when I was doing it.”
“I know. I know. And I’m over it. Mostly. It’s just, well, it’s just weird. I don’t know what else to say.”
“Let’s not talk about this right now. Will you just hold me?”
We rolled over and Saul pressed his back into my stomach as I put his right arm around his stomach and cupped his left chest with my right arm. I thought again about maybe it would be time to get my shit together. I wondered if I’d try to get back with him for real if it happened. Maybe he was the best I could do. Maybe the mistake that he made had altered the course of our destiny together. Maybe this was a second chance. After a few minutes of silence, I whispered into Saul’s ear, “What are we doing here?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, this, us, what are we doing?”
“We’re just fucking and hanging out.”
“We’ve spent every day together.”
“Yeah, I wonder about that too, but I’m having fun and I don’t know. I don’t really want to stop.”
“I know. I don’t either.”
“So let’s just leave it at that.”
“I just want to make sure you don’t want it to be more or anything.”
“I’ve already been your boyfriend. I’d really like someone new, but that doesn’t seem to happen for me, and you’re great for in the meantime.”
“So, I’m just some fucking replacement then?”
“Don’t get mad. That’s not what I’m saying. Look, you know we wouldn’t work together.”
“And I don’t want to get back together.”
“So, why are you acting all offended?”
I breathed a sigh. I wasn’t sure why I was either. I felt the same way. Maybe that was why. Our connection at this stage in my life felt so strong. Like we were on the same page in so many ways, and yet, all the wrong ways. It seemed like the last two years of my life had been spent suffering from all the shit that comes from loving the wrong people, and I just wanted someone new, but I didn’t want to be lonely anymore. Insert Saul. I looked back at him as his face stared inquisitively and intently at me waiting for a response.
I shrugged my shoulders before saying, “I don’t know.”
We laid there for a few more minutes without talking again before I looked at the clock and noticed it was ten-thirty. My friends would be showing up to the bar soon. I heard Saul’s heavy breaths, and whispered, “You awake?”
“Look, I gotta go.”
“Are you pissed off?”
“No, I gotta go meet Jose Luis at the bar.”
“Can I come?”
“Come on. Put some clothes on, and hurry up. I need a drink.”


Stacey said...

Stumbled upon TWEEKER today....just finished the book and clicked on the Amazon link to your blog. I too have been in that deep and dark place (addiction and depression, not TJ). Your writing is refreshing and real. And raw. I love it.

LMB said...

Thank you, Stacey for the kind words. :)

marv said...

They say dating your ex is like going to your own yard sale and buying your own shit back.
I've been precisely through that whole ex as a fuck buddy thing. I've even been the other when he was dating whoever the hell he was dating at the time. It was like having your cake and eating it too. But it was never a good experience and it just left things festering for that much longer.
If you have training wheels you're never going to learn to balance.

LMB said...

Well, Marvin, it's like I always tell you...