It was morning, like any
other, in that I was strewn across my floor, sleeping off my hangover. There
came a point in these benders where anything other than the fetal position on a
wood floor felt like the spinning teacups on speed. I stared across my room at
my digital alarm clock. The numbers were always hard to decipher from this
angle. It was either 11, 1 or 7, and even though only two of those answers were
acceptable, all of them were entirely possible.
It was in this deja vu of waking up in a
panic for the millionth time, that it really hit me. Before the sore back and
shooting pain behind my left eye would sink in, I would think; this is the last
time. This time is different.
I planned to drink a liter of water, hit the
gym and forget this ever happened. But that always never happened. It was
simply a sweet reverie I would sing before settling onto the couch, taking a
fistful of Motrin and queuing up Netflix. The only place I would go on this day
was the corner store for my daily dose of Gatorade. It had become the only
thing I could ever guarantee a weekly occurrence of.
It wasn’t ever different. It had never been
before and I slowly began to realize that it was never going to be. It was
always the same.
Different was the only idea which excited me
anymore because it was still an idea. It was far away. It was a dream nestled
in a cloud, different was anything I wanted it to be without the suffering of
sacrifice or the sober bleakness of reality. Everything thus far to be experienced
was so easy to sum up with my small minded fantasies and fears. Everything was
something special before I was bored of it. I contemplated extensively
regarding how long something special could really last for a guy like me. The
entire reason I would find my special something was because I was out searching
for it, despondent with my boring nothings.
And so it was made simple in that moment.
Do the right thing, feel smug and be bored
or douse myself in gasoline, light the town on fire and shame myself for weeks
after the dust had settled.
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