And so it goes.

Feeling the Great Depression more than usual. I sit - no, mostly I walk around in this maze of a city with all its soot and grime and filth - and wonder: When is enough enough? When you have experienced all that I have in such a short time - what is there left to do? I have no drive, no inhibitions to do anything else. I want to just settle down and live out the rest of my life in comfort and peace. I am tired of living like I do - sometimes I am just tired of living...

Today I had an interview at some hotel in the wilds of East County San Diego, but I got lost. Like an buffoon I did not look for directions via the Internet and I got lost. On this bus ride to nowhere I came to the conclusion that what I really want is to return to El Paso and pick up the pieces of the atomized life I had left. I had a good thing going there and it was smashed to hell all in the name of love.

Love. Hrumph - that emotion clouds my reason and I do not wish it in my life again.

So, I called Juana Ortega, the manager of the El Paso Rescue Mission - and asked if I had a place to stay after the last calamity. First call was all static, so calling again she said fine. I have set the gears in motion - at the end of this week I will board a Greyhound and return to The Great Desert. Never made it to the interview by the way - went shopping instead. Bought The Best of Donna Summer CD and ate damn good food at China Two. Caught the movies and saw Hostel 2 and The Fantastic Four - both were a bore - very disappointed. I had seen the first Fantastic Four and disliked it, so I wasn't expecting much from this atrocity and I had never seen the first Hostel movie to begin with - but it was highly recommended by friends. On the weakness of the sequel of Hostel 2 - I probably will never view the original. Returned to Tijuana and visited friends - ran into and explained to my pal Victor over a couple of beers that I had decided to return to El Paso. Nothing but bad omens for me here since I arrived in Tijuana six odd months ago.

My plan, you ask? Vague - but I have one. I want to continue my mental health program, maybe find a little job and get a little apartment in Juarez City. I always liked it there and have nothing but positive feelings of the place. Perhaps even get my SSI benefits and live as I want the rest of my years.

Yup, gotta go back and get the noggin in shape before I deteriorate into a full fledged loon. Already all the old symptoms are coming back: Anxiety attacks, deep depression, lack of sleep. I even now am catching myself talking aloud - very embarrassing. No fault but my own - I have not taken my meds in over six months. And they have really helped.So, I will wrap things up here in Tijuana - say goodbye to a few close friends and leave.

This time I truly believe permanently.