waiting on nothing

It has been over three weeks since my return to Tijuana. Other than working on my latest book, I have been doing absolutely nothing. Well, that is not entirely true. Let me explain:

I am struggling with three decisions. Decisions that one who has been diagnosed with acute manic-depressive bipolar schizoid disorder are causing me lose my fucking mind. 1) I want to stay here (here as in the furnished room I am renting in downtown Tijuana) until at least March and save money to relocate to either Cambodia or Vietnam, attain a job teaching English, save what I can to eventually open my own Bed & Breakfast 2) Locate a great apartment on the beach in Tj and remain indefinitely (at the moment, because it is summer, all affordable places are rented by the vacationers and snowbirds. Assholes. Again, no one to blame but myself. Two months prior leaving Tucson, I accumulated a list of places off the internet through various rental sites but by time I dragged my ass here, they were all taken) 3) Attempt to secure a house through Section 8 in the States like I tried and failed in Tucson. Now, that is tricky. I require a jumping point, i.e. a shelter, and then transitional housing for the long wait and THEN a city which actually has the waiting lists open. After extensive research via the internet, the only two cities which fit that criteria are Provo, Utah or Bismarck, North Dakota. And both seem tasteless to my palate.

So back to about doing nothing. Mostly I have been in a state of paranoid waiting, wondering what to do. I sit in coffee shops, diners, stand on corners in a fugue state chain smoking one Lucky after another trying to make up my mind. The abrupt move here has left me destitute for this month, I have been sustaining myself off cheap coffee, tortas and ramen noodles. I really haven’t been social, actually I have been avoiding contact with pretty much anyone. Why is that? Have the meds prescribed to me altered me that much? I think so.

I have been so preoccupied with the future; I have been ignoring the now. And that is one abyss I cannot stop staring into.