The funk that I have been feeling lately is really getting awful. Is this the depression? My sickness? How insidious. I have no drive to do anything - anything at all. Today I planned to look for work - nothing.
I worry that when I find a job my psychosis will return - I will have an attack and somehow lose it - same old story...like the pea under the shell trick - now you see it; now you don't. Of coarse my greatest fear - and this has been gnawing at me for over a month since I came back to El Paso and got this free apartment from MHMR - that right when I am on the brink - right when I am at the cuspice of getting ahead, it will blow up and fall apart and once again I will lose it all like I always have so many times before. Everything taken away - so what's the point?
Let's face the facts - I am a loser in this life, folks. And not just petty ones - I have fucked up in some grand humdingers! I should have been a famous film director, or manager of a resort hotel, or television station supervisor, or drug runner, or cartel - but always ended the same...right at the brink of success, just as my fingers were to grab that trophy - splat! Boom! Everything crumbled around me and within a matter of days if not hours - I was either living in some transient shelter or on some bus to some damn slum in a foreign locale.
I sit here poised - staring at this screen...wondering even if I should join the work force again. The paranoia consumes me. Just last week I applied at a company that had a reputation of hiring anybody but me - denied. A blow to the old withered ego - I tell you. And me being over qualified for almost everything I apply for - problem of being to smart for your own good.
I have this dream - and at the moment all it is is a half hearted fantasy that will probably flounder like so many other of my projects - I want to open a bar - a gay bar on the beach down in Costa Rica. A place like the Copacabana 'cept queer where the fag jet set would lounge sipping mai tai's and half naked native boys frolic - with me behind the bar looking like Cap'n Carl from Pee Wee's Playhouse. But - as I said, a dream - how can an insane man with no ambition make this happen?
My future once again seems black and dark - a huge void. Cold and empty - and I see no light at that other end.