The gray just gets grayer. Can't connect with anything. No time left on my cellphone - so no body can contact me for job interviews - which is a bust anyways; who the fuck is going to hire me anyway? On my resume it states I haven't worked for a year - I wouldn't hire me. There isn't any work in this town. Tired of going out for weeks on end and hearing that nothing is available...Have sold everything of value san my laptop - only thing I have left - only thing I have left grounding me to reality - writing that book. And on that have really lost interest. Lost interest on all things, really.
Feel so cold inside. I feel nothing. I feel like a corpse waiting to be sent to the grave.
All my friends are gone - have abandoned them. I don't talk to anyone. Don't feel exceptionally social anymore. Last night took a walk in the night and felt so alone like always - can't connect with anything. What is the point of continuing this? The world is such an evil and hostile place and seems nothing but an disgusting struggle to the bitter lonely end.
Even those at MHMR I have lost interest - the only person I have trusted has left. The others are nothing. They listen but don't hear nor care. No one does.
That is the point - no one does. Why should I? And the reality...I don't.
I want to call my parents - my long suffering parents - out of shame I should. I need money. I know my mother is probably dead at this point - I am not sure, but she most likely is - I should join her - how I envy her if she is. The peace she must've attained from this shit we must endure! How I envy her! Sigh.
Tonight - tonight I think I shall try again. I mean - shit...how hard is it?