Friday, February 02, 2007

This Is How Doves Cry.

Moving with the hand of the Evil Spirit - this is how lives are ruined in fiery catalysts.

ME: You are right - I am suffering. But not in the way you think. My doubts in this relation started far before you not showing up online last Tuesday - I wasn't even angry, Jeffry. A little let down...but not angry. I guess I used it as an excuse to get out of a deal that I had felt as bad. Why? Allow me to explain - I am under so much stress, Jeffry. Let me describe my living conditions: Take the filthiest homeless person you see on your street in downtown San Jose, and multiply him by 300. That is what I sleep with every night. The building that I live in may look good in that picture you saw online - but indeed it is a vermin infested nest. The people act like savage animals, yelling and fighting among themselves over food, cigarettes, drugs...and the smell is enough to make you vomit. Yeah, you try to stay in a good mood, Jeffry... On top of that, I had to clean myself up neatly and go look for work in offices and hotels each day worried that I smell like that place. Every morning they wake you up at 4am and you must be out in the freezing cold by 6am to look for work. I have not worked in almost a year. Something I have to explain in an interview - I went to El Paso for psychiatric help, Jeffry. That excuse does not go good in interviews. By time I even got to an interview, especially if it was in the afternoon, I was so tired and burnt out from what ever crap I had to deal with in the morning that I would probably lose the job. Now you understand when I said that day at the library my Internet time with you was precious? It wasn't just being with you only; it was a release from that mayhem that I have to live on a day to day basis. And then there was the added stress of you. Worrying what the hell you were doing down in Costa Rica. "I spent the weekend at my gay friends house and they had sex in front of me but I didn't join in." What the fuck?! What do you think I was going to think, Jeffry? I don't know you - you are capable of lying. Why? Because I am capable of lying. To this day I still think you are jacking off with other guys that have web cams online. Before you get upset - give me one reason why I shouldn't think that? And the drop of a hat weekend visit to an gay friend in December - all I was thinking was bad, bad, bad. And the disrespect you kept giving me online. I was your boyfriend, Jeffry - I commanded your full attention! That lame excuse you came up with that I would give the impression that I wouldn't allow you to have friends was completely pointless. I don't care if you have a thousand friends and you chat with them, doesn't bother me. But, I chat with you - what? An hour a day about three times a week? If that? You can't grant me the respect of putting off your other friends for that? You have a computer at home, Jeffry - you can get online whenever you want and chat with your friends whenever you want. But for me I have to be put on hold? Very disrespectful and insensitive. So - how could I believe what you were saying when you said you cared for me? Yes, I tolerated it but then I started doubted and mistrusting you and it just built up and up and up. You never tell me what you do, where you go, if you go to parties or what - so my imagination took over and believe me it was all bad. And when you confessed at those things that bothered your last boyfriends and that in itself I thought was shameful and appalling that you would even think those things were not wrong to do in front of your lover - that was it. I thought, jeez - what the hell had I done? This boy thinks I am one of those sappy Americans that goes crazy over any cute little Latin boy and jumps when he says jump and turns his head away to let him do what ever he wants as long as he gets the boys ass once in a while. Well, no I am not. And then the thought of rushing down to a country to meet someone I hardly know and it all blows up horribly and I am stuck in a foreign country with nothing but bitterness - with the aspects of returning to San Diego and going through this all over again? No way! Jeffry, I had your classic mental breakdown. And I'm still sinking. I just thought you deserved a reason why. I know it's too late and everything is fucked up but hey - life is shitty right? And true, you will not find anyone like me and that is a fact... And Jeffry, If it matters - I meant every single word I said to you before. Every one.
HIM: you know what pains me more of all this?that i know you are suffering, i care too much about you, i don't want you too be hurt, and in the other side i know i wont ever find someone like you. Luis if only you could trust me, don't make us loose this opportunity, i love you, and i know you love me too, is just you are blind for your anger, my best friend told me to give you time, but i cant live without you Luis. i love you and i know i have to change many things, but also you have to trust me, a relationship that is not based on love and confidence cant work.please think about what you want Luis, think about all our plans, don't look at the black dot in the white paper, look at all the white space, at all the good moments. i love you, i sincerely do Luis and i don't want to loose you. I'm hoping that if this is real we will come back together, if not well... maybe there is something better waiting for us(what i doubt because i know i cant find someone like you, and even if you don't believe it, you wont find easily someone like me, because i really love you) take care, be safe, and don't ruin your life again for my fault, i only wanna make you happy.
well Luis i cant give you a reason for you not to believe all the things you imagine, i cant give you proofs, unless record in video my whole day, the only reason i have is cuz i say it, if you don't believe me is not worth even to give a reason. i told you since we met that i don't like to lie, and i told you I'm not a bitch, my friends wouldn't ever let me join them in a threesome because they respect me, and they knew i was "with" you, and about the jackoffs... well we already talked about that, you don't want to believe me, so what can i do? and what gay friend did i visit in December? i just don't remember, i visited my best friend, but he is straight, i told you i don't have too much gay friends.is true Luis, you don't believe me, that is our problem, i really tried to tell you about me about my life, but you didn't believe a single word, you created a world for me in your imagination where i cheated you with every guy that passed in front of me, where i lied to you every time we chatted and where i was playing with you all the time, a world where i was Felix, THAT is your problem, you still don't forget him, and think that i will be like him, you really don't know me Luis, I'm not that kind of person.
i know life is not easy for you, but what can i do? i was trying to be strong, but then... i saw your card there in my desk next to my mouse, where i left it to see it everytime i missed you, now that i see your writing i feel a knife that passes through my stomach and a pain in the heart that i cant describe. i miss you Luis, i wish we could talk - Show quoted text -
that would really be a lie tried to make this as real as possible, because i knew an internet relationship can take wrong directions, imaginary ones, i think it was a mistake talking with you about that things that could happen maybe probably someday, but i did it to take out all the things that i had in the inside all the things that i was keeping of my exs. well it is in the past and whats done is done i cant fix it, i know i should have pay more attention to you when you were online and not to let you hanging on there, but Luis, i cant be infront of my computer all day, i have many things to do, and believe that even so i always tried to be here for you, but sometimes i just couldn't, and about the chats, well i already told you, i never put a friend infront of you, and most of the time we used to chat alone, only a few times, maybe two or three, i remember i was talking with you and another person.
you don't know me Luis so is normal you don't trust me, but don't you think i could also think things about you? specially after reading your blog, because you are not a saint, but NO! i didn't! i always trusted and believed every single word you told me. maybe it was a mistake to think you could be like me, maybe i should have waited to know you better, but we had so much things in common, i just built up hopes...
to tell you the truth at this moment I'm not feeling anything, I'm feeling like a piece of ice, i don't want to stop talking with you, i still consider you a nice guy, a friend if you let me.
maybe we were meant to meet each other but not to be together, so what do you think? do you really want to talk with this immature kid?
i want to be with you, i want to know how goes your life, because if you are happy i am even happier, i just don't want to lose you Luis, maybe time will give us another path to follow, maybe if you decide to come here in some years we can meet and this time for real, and well... you never know, maybe that time it will work, just don't go away Luis, believe it or not, i care about you, and i really meant every word i said too.
i wish i could do more to make you feel better in that horrible place you are, but i cant, i just can offer you my friendship now, and I'm sorry if i hurt you, i didn't mean it, is just we started this to fast, without knowing each other, maybe this time, if you want, we can get to know each other better, i really want, believe me, but I'm letting it all to your decision.
take care, be in contact
ME: "to tell you the truth at this moment I'm not feeling anything, I'm feeling like a piece of ice..." Now you know how I feel. You leave it in my hands? Fine. Do not contact me again, erase everything you have on me like I have done on you. As far as I'm concerned you do not exist - My advice, young man - date people in your own country... Goodbye forever.
HIM: ok it was a pleasure Luis will really miss you wont forget you, i hope you don't do it too i love you and thank you for all the good moments its a shame it has to finish like this
ME: How else did you think it was going to fucking end? I do not stay 'friends' with my ex's that's even worse than staying mad at them - like Felix you wanted to stay friends, just to save face? Well, fuck it - I'm not letting you have that pleasure. You hurt me and I will return the favor - 10 fold. And I thought I told you not to fucking contact me anymore? I already deleted every scrap of photos, letters, and whatever else I had on you - guess I'll have to block you, too? DO NOT CONTACT ME AGAIN!

2 comments:

Jeffryx said...

it seems you didnt delete all the pictures...

Anonymous said...

Shaddap.